الفرق بين الطبخ على نار هادئة والطبخ السريع

It always sucks to be reminded how “alone” you are, doesn’t it? You’d be having a normal conversation with someone who you consider close, only for them to “drop a hint” to remind you that no, you are different, possibly an outcast.

I kind of envy H, for she managed to find a group of friends who were “just like her” early on. You look at them, they do have differences of course, but they dress the same, talk the same, have the same sense of humor and ideologies.

I never had that, in fact, ever since i was a little girl, my friends would compose a perfect “group” with me being the odd one out. The only time when I felt I had a “group” was in my late twenties, when we all got together because we were all so different, that one could argue that differences were the only thing we had in common. And I thought I was meant to be alone, unique or individual.

But there was M who made everything change. She was different, yet i admired everything about her. She influenced me in so many ways, and with the little she shared, i felt i made a difference in her life too. She was my only real “best friend” and when she left, I stopped using that word. In fact, I stopped wanting to have a close friend, let alone a best friend, because I don’t want to have to go through that feeling of abandonment ever again. Breaking the thing that makes you feel you belong can never be repaired.

I know it’s almost impossible, but I dream of someone who is sort of “like me”, who would take one for the team, who would be there without me asking, who would want to say ‘I’m here for you all the time’ and mean it. Someone who knows that yes, we might be different but you don’t have to rub it in my face every 10 minutes. Because I would do the same and more. Be it a friend or a special someone. I just dream that if this feeling I have happens again, I won’t be blogging about it, instead, I would be talking to him/her and everything would be great.

-- July 2013