A piece of my mind

A few days ago, I came across a quote on Facebook that says ' Yes, money can't buy happiness. But it's more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle ' I can't even begin to describe how this quote hit on my soft spot, like we say in Arabic "geeh 3ala el gar7". See, I was one of the people who never saw money as an issue. I've always been content with what I had, not because I lacked ambition or anything but rather I didn't see the importance of a better car or an extra couple of pounds in a salary. I thought I was much larger than that. How silly of me! Truth is, my perspective totally changed after I quit my last job jan 2011 and started supermama. Zei and I threw all our savings into it and kept a little survival money on the side. I could have imagined that not only being broke but also in debt ( take it from someone whom thought the word broke meant no shopping for a month). Now the word broke has an entirely new meaning and feel to ...

There , I said it. I even said the magic word. I can't believe this is happening to me; I used to be such a change-seeker. The word "change" in itself used to excite me, so did "new beginnings", "starting over", "moving on",...etc. But now, I'm terrified of change, in the last year or so, all change has been bad bad bad. Anything that happened on its own has not been to my favor. I thought it was because, perhaps, I'm such a control freak, trying to make everything work according to what I have in mind and to my plans. But actually, even now, when I'm life play its course, without me interfering, change is still bad. And coupled with the fear or rather phobia of change, comes my fear of loss. See, I could never deal well with loss; loss of loved one (death), loss of a loved thing (finished, stolen, ..etc), or loss of a relationship (breakups) and the greatest loss of all; loss of a memory (madness, amnesia ,..etc) I'm fearing ...

The increasing number of subjects that I don't want to talk about lately is becoming alarming. I'm assuming this means that I'm not happy where my life is going or at least where my life "is" right now. I'm becoming tense and irritable. A handful! Even my best friends are tired of my constant complaints (at least I'm smart enough to know that without them having to mention it). But really.. it's one of those phases which I just feel like curling into a ball, hide in the corner and hope nobody finds me. I just can't answer those questions anymore: Why is he calling you? I don't want to talk about it. What are you planning to do about your career?Did you apply for jobs? How are your interviews going? I don't want to talk about it. Where is folana? We havent heard her name in a while. What are you doing this weekend? Why don't you go out anymore? I don't want to talk about it.Are you still on a diet? loosing weight? Is that your lunch?...

Ok, so most of you don't know this about me, but it has been about 5-6 years when I made my decision not to hang out with people while consuming alcohol. I don't have any objections to people consuming alcohol on their own, nor would it change my impression/liking of them. Just not while I'm around, for religious reasons. Last night, in a social event with some friends and their friends, people started drinking. Not drunk, just drinking. The thing is, in the past, when people were around a muhajaba, they'd ask if anyone minded but apparently, not anymore. So anyway, two people ordered drinks. And I , for some odd reason, couldn't say anything. Maybe it was because it was a birthday and I didn't want to make a scene (which in this case , I should have just excused myself and left). I really don't know why, I just didn't. I sat there, blaming myself and did nothing. I thought about God alot, how I felt bad regarding it. But I also thought about my friends...

OC Seems I'm not getting over you. I keep thinking of you and all the times we had together; the fun and the not so fun. I remember the days I used to complain, I was so naive, forgive me, I now know how much of an idiot I was to be sad in such a heaven. I miss everything about you. I miss hanging out with Mai, Roger, and Jaz in our office to brainstorm about problems that face us in work as well as all sorts of random stuff. I miss my room, the one on the lower ground in front of the door, where we get to hear (and sometimes see) every person that enters through the front door. I miss the furniture, the beanbags, the meeting room, the kitchen where we had a waleema every once in a while. I miss our tea drawer, and our 5 o'clock kalam fel sa2f and tea time. I miss all the sounds; people running around like we are in a kindergarten, Ereny yelling at them to calm down or complaining that she's bored and no one is playing with her, hearing Mardini or Ratib play the guitar, or...

Yesterday was my first day at the new office. I can't say that things happened fast, actually, it was a slow and painful decay. We've been struggling for about a year , trying as hard as we can. But unlike movies where when you gather all your willpower and energy things work well, they didn't. (which is another thing that movies don't tell you; It's not always true that when you work hard, you'll reach your destination) Anyway, for a month, I knew we were leaving. I didn't bother looking for alternatives, I just took the path that looked like the most logical (or that was already planned for me and required the least decision making) and things moved on from there. I'm in the new office, with 7 of my team mates (the luckiest of all the old company I guess as I got the most team members in my project). We're all in one room, which cuts down on communication time and increases efficiency but one has to forget about one's private space. I miss not ...

Do you guys know what happens inside the brain when try to convince yourself and believe in things that by definition are unnatural to you? Imagine a security gate at the entrance of your brain, which stops every incoming idea/value/theory/rule/analysis of situations/decisions... etc before it enters to question it and see where it fits within the natural classification of the brain. By natural classification, i'll assume that your brain already has different rooms for what you like and believe in, what you can accept but prefer not to be involved in, and what you can't absolutely acknowledge and others as needed So what happens is, that security gate sorts out which incoming go to which room. So far that sounds well and good, but what happens is, sometimes while an idea is roaming freely in your brain, it meets a certain "analysis of situation" which belong to a different room. They chat for a while and move on each to their designated place. Bardo 3adi, even if thes...

Warning: Angry post ahead.. read at your own risk. Yesterday, I had dinner with a few people from work. We went to this traditional kebab place in Agouza called El-Me3'arbel (food is really good by the way) but the evening was ruined for me. 3 of us entered slightly later than the rest of the group; we sat at the end of a long table. It was a crowded little place so all the tables where sort of crammed together in a small area. By now you'd say.. so what's new.. it's not like you haven't been to such a place before, why was the evening ruined. Well, from the moment we walked in , a young guy with his friend on the table on my left and a complete moron who was sitting alone on a table on my right decided that somehow I would be the entertainment of the evening. At first I tried the, yasmine-it's-just-in-your-head but then who was I kidding. Then I tried the ignore-it-and-it-will-go-away approach/ if you don't make eye contact they will get bored and stop it,...

Love that movie, both parts... They're actually my kind of funny movies; not the dump, slip-over-banana ,type of funny, but the sarcastic, dark, funny-in-a-sad-way kind of funny. Added to that, a happy ending to touch the naive girl in me. Thinking about the movie, after a smart conversation (with za pest friend) I realized that perhaps I just need to acknowledge the difference between Mr. Perfect and Mr. Right (for lack of a better terminology). Mr. Right, is the good CV, the rich guy, with the expensive car, th e house in the suburbs and the family name(النسب الى يشرف). Your mother loves him because well, he's right for her daughter. Your dad trusts him and can spend hours talking to him. And your siblings show him off to their friends. And then there is Mr.Perfect . Mr. Perfect is the guy you always fall for, he proves the type theory ( that each of us has a type that we fall for every single time). Usually, your parents can't stand Mr. Perfect and you can't bl...

There's this annoying little something that always pisses me off, but I never talk about, cause it makes me feel mean and evil (which I sort of am but don't like to admit it). But then, Ji called and she had the very same problem (including the guilt of feeling mean and evil) and I decided, well.. this is worth blogging. You know how some "friends" only call you when they are depressed; as in, when something good happens in their life, you're the last to know, but you're always the first person that comes to their mind when they want to cry their heart out. Naturally, it's a good thing that friend know I'm there for them, and that I will always be there to lift them up when they fall. And I'm happy to know that they trust my opinions but let's just think: - So you are depressed, your life sucks, everything is falling out of place,.. I'm hear to listen, until! Until you bring up the fact that you talk to me cause I've had a shitty life s...

So Yousra ( class of 2008) graduated from school about a week ago, and in her graduation ceremony, I saw the same scenes I witnessed during Karim's graduation (class of 2001) from the same school and are the same scenes I personally went through when graduating from the same school (class of 1998). When Karim was graduating, I was very sentimental, it was not that long ago since I graduated, and I was still living the dream of staying best friends with my school mates forever and ever. I couldn't find neither happiness nor friends (almost) in university and so I settled for those friends I made in school and living on the memory of the happiest days of my life (then). I saw them throw their caps in the air and I couldn't help but cry. I heard the valedictorian give his speech and remembered how the headmistress's stubbornness stopped me from giving mine although the entire school wanted me to speak. I actually remembered the actual speech I had prepared then, and felt ...

I don't know how to start, I'm all lost and confused now. Last time we were together chilling by the Bosphorus; contemplating about life, the universe and everything. The next thing I know, she just took off, I woke up and she wasn't there. My spirit just left; without a note explaining how or why. I know I must have done something wrong, but really, I can't figure out why. We were happy, or at least I thought we were. She never said anything, how was I supposed to know something was wrong. I mean, yeah , we had our rough times, we've been through alot but recently , things seemed to be getting better. We were really happy those last few month, so what happened! As I was lost in my misery thinking how could I possibly have wronged it and how my life sucks without it, I heard the sad news from some friends. My spirit was found badly wounded between life and death on the side of the road. No one knows what happened or when, but now, it is recovering slowly; which isn...

My friends have been complaining I haven't been blogging for a while. Honestly, life is being really slow and their is nothing to blog about, almost! I've been having this inexplicable phobia which started a couple of days ago when a saw a gecko (برص) in our staircase. I'm checking out every ceiling or wall before I enter buildings or rooms in fear that one day , I will enter a room and see a bors (yes i prefer to use bors than gecko). Having seen that bors, I will shiver or something, which will scare the bors which will then will have a heart attack and die, falling over my head! Weird, but , really, that's the only thing I can blog about now. Bor-es with a heart-attack over my head!

A while back I decided that; I am ,and must always be, a happy person. Naturally, this is easier said than done. You face the weirdest situations in life and you feel so close to giving in and becoming sad, but I decided no! Old zeww, would have wrote down in the post why she hates the world around her.. the new zeww, will share with you Elliah Abo Madi's lovely poem أيهذا الشاكي أيهذا الشاكي ، وما بك داء كيف تغدو إذا غدوت عليلا إن شر الجناة في الأرض نفس تتوقى قبل الرحيل الرحيلا وترى الشوك في الورود وتغمى أن ترى فوقها الندى إكليلا هو عب‏ء على الحياة ثقيل من يظن الحياة عب‏ء ثقيلا والذي نفسه بغير جمال لا يرى في الحياة شيئا جميلا فتمتع بالصبح ما دمت فيه لا تخف أن يزول حتى يزولا أيهذا الشاكي وما بك داء كن جميلا ترى الوجود جميلا إيليا أبو ماضي

On the way to work this morning, after parking my car , walking to the office building, I came across a hunchback in a white galabeya, holding a transparent plastic bag of groceries, and a big musehaf of Quran. I usually tend to stay away from people, but from the corner of my eye, I was watching him. He was so pleasant, in his white spotless galabeya and with a big smile, talking to all the men on the street, not the ladies out of courtesy. He was no beggar, contrary to what I thought at first, nor was he the "I am holier than thou" preacher. He was just a nice guy with a big smile, wishing everyone on the street happiness and good health. And when asked about his own health or affairs, he just smiled and said "Thank God". In my opinion, this hunchback is the best example of a religious Muslim. He's not going around preaching people , yet he is setting an excellent example of his beliefs that we, Muslims, should concentrate on; that is good manners. How har...

Why? Why now? You never liked the way I dress, my shoes, or the way I curl my hair. You said I wear my hijab too big and my sense of fashion was hippie and improper. Why say that I'm beautiful now? You said my education, my work and the way I act are too masculine for girls. You made up terrible stories about my childhood and spread them making everyone think I was a monster. Why claim I'm your little angel now? You loved everyone else, but not me. All the other kids, even my brother and sister, but not me. Why love me now? Why be kind and nice when you have always neglected me? Why make me love you just before you go? Why make me sad for your leaving when you have never been there in my life? And you? How many times do I have to kill you? ًI tried to drown you, I tried to strangle you, I even tried to bury you alive. Why come back? I am happy living as a heartless bitch. I am happy not getting emotionally attached to anything or anyone. So why show up again and give me a hard ...

Warning: this post might appear to be a bit too girlie than most of my other posts. I generally hate coiffures/hair dressers/hair stylists/ beauticians or whatever else they prefer to call themselves. Actually, hate is not very relevant. Using detest, abhor or loathe will be more likely. It's one of the things I keep delaying and delaying hoping that the need will go away. Just like an annual checkup or a dentist's appointment. See I can't remember having my hair trimmed and going home happy that they have trimmed the exact length I wanted. I never had it cut and was proud of the new look. Or changing the color at the salon and feeling fulfilled. I resorted to not having my hair cut, nor trimmed and to using home coloring techniques for a while. But then an occasional henna night or a girlie night so I fall under the social pressure to have my hair styled. Even then, styling always leave feeling unhappy, not so stylish and anticipating the end of the evening so I can go b...