Did you ever wish that someone in your life just disappears along with all the memories associated with them? Just like deleting a folder off their computer, doesn't the system ask you if you're sure you want to delete all the files inside it?
That's exactly what I want to do. I can't hate that person enough, I should hate him more, I just don't have it in me to hate someone that much. It kills me to have a few remaining good/funny/emotional memories of him. And the feeling of injustice is overwhelming that it makes me act irrational sometimes.
May you always suffer for messing up my peace of mind. May your heart ache for ruining my moment. May every memory we ever shared pain you as it pains me ,you made me hate the good times we shared.
And yes.. that's not hate enough. He deserves more.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Ha2aoo
Do you guys know what happens inside the brain when try to convince yourself and believe in things that by definition are unnatural to you?
Imagine a security gate at the entrance of your brain, which stops every incoming idea/value/theory/rule/analysis of situations/decisions... etc before it enters to question it and see where it fits within the natural classification of the brain. By natural classification, i'll assume that your brain already has different rooms for what you like and believe in, what you can accept but prefer not to be involved in, and what you can't absolutely acknowledge and others as needed
So what happens is, that security gate sorts out which incoming go to which room. So far that sounds well and good, but what happens is, sometimes while an idea is roaming freely in your brain, it meets a certain "analysis of situation" which belong to a different room. They chat for a while and move on each to their designated place.
Bardo 3adi, even if these two are contradicting, they just chat, either argue and each insist on its position or they broaden your horizon and allow you to be less judgemental and more tolerant. It's like Ahly and Zamalek fans watching a match between al-itihad al-eskandari and 3'azl el ma7ala**. They don't get into their own issues, they just talk general stuff.
The issue I'm talking about is when the Ahly and Zamalek fans are watching an Ahly and Zamalek match. i.e. An idea/core value that you've always had, has an argument with an oath you made/thought you came up with after a situation. And an decision is born, a deranged, misformed, mutated decision who was not supposed to have existed in the first place because its very unnatural to you.
Got the picture? I'll assume you said yes :)
Well, good.
So what happens then? Papa"core values" and mama"oath/thought/analysis" fight over the decision. Each has valid reasons why the decision should be with them and is ready to fight battles to get decision to their side. And that's exactly what happens, a war inside your brain where the trip of papa and mama are all involved.
You start re-examining every single unit of your brain, be it a value that you were raised to which you now question its degree of validity and why you've taken it for granted , be it an opinion that you have formulated after what appeared to be a long and thorough examination of the facts and circumstances which you don't even trust now, or be it just an idea you applied out of convinience and social considerations. You tear the whole place down and start re-questioning brick by brick which is absurd ,of course, considering cause how would you know which are the right questions and what is "right" anyway.
The romantics might say the solution is simple "follow your heart, it will light the way", while the pragmatist will say "it's only after chaos that order is born". To both you people out there, I bow with respect, but say "ha2aoo"
Imagine a security gate at the entrance of your brain, which stops every incoming idea/value/theory/rule/analysis of situations/decisions... etc before it enters to question it and see where it fits within the natural classification of the brain. By natural classification, i'll assume that your brain already has different rooms for what you like and believe in, what you can accept but prefer not to be involved in, and what you can't absolutely acknowledge and others as needed
So what happens is, that security gate sorts out which incoming go to which room. So far that sounds well and good, but what happens is, sometimes while an idea is roaming freely in your brain, it meets a certain "analysis of situation" which belong to a different room. They chat for a while and move on each to their designated place.
Bardo 3adi, even if these two are contradicting, they just chat, either argue and each insist on its position or they broaden your horizon and allow you to be less judgemental and more tolerant. It's like Ahly and Zamalek fans watching a match between al-itihad al-eskandari and 3'azl el ma7ala**. They don't get into their own issues, they just talk general stuff.
The issue I'm talking about is when the Ahly and Zamalek fans are watching an Ahly and Zamalek match. i.e. An idea/core value that you've always had, has an argument with an oath you made/thought you came up with after a situation. And an decision is born, a deranged, misformed, mutated decision who was not supposed to have existed in the first place because its very unnatural to you.
Got the picture? I'll assume you said yes :)
Well, good.
So what happens then? Papa"core values" and mama"oath/thought/analysis" fight over the decision. Each has valid reasons why the decision should be with them and is ready to fight battles to get decision to their side. And that's exactly what happens, a war inside your brain where the trip of papa and mama are all involved.
You start re-examining every single unit of your brain, be it a value that you were raised to which you now question its degree of validity and why you've taken it for granted , be it an opinion that you have formulated after what appeared to be a long and thorough examination of the facts and circumstances which you don't even trust now, or be it just an idea you applied out of convinience and social considerations. You tear the whole place down and start re-questioning brick by brick which is absurd ,of course, considering cause how would you know which are the right questions and what is "right" anyway.
The romantics might say the solution is simple "follow your heart, it will light the way", while the pragmatist will say "it's only after chaos that order is born". To both you people out there, I bow with respect, but say "ha2aoo"
Sunday, May 24, 2009
My Other Blog
I just realized I never mentioned the other blog here..
Well I started another blog just for the cards so that I don't confuse interested followers of this one.
If you are interested though, check http://zewwcards.blogspot.com/
Well I started another blog just for the cards so that I don't confuse interested followers of this one.
If you are interested though, check http://zewwcards.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Sides of the brain
Theories of brain structure and function have it that there are two sides of the brain: the right and left sides. The left side of the brain leans towards(or get stimulated by) logic, sequence, details, rules, facts, words and languages, practicality, strategies and patterns. The right side , on the other hand, gets stimulated by imagination, colors, symbols, images, spaces, feelings, intuition , and things that "sound right" more than things that "make sense".
People tend to have preference to use either side more than the other, which obviously affects their education, growth, interests, hobbies and so forth. People who are 'left-brain-sided' (yes i made up that term) tend to be rational, analytic and objective. They prefer the maths and sciences and its easier for them to remember names rather than faces(or shapes). People who are 'right-brain-sided' tend to be more imaginative, creative and big-picture oriented. They prefer arts, philosophy & religion and for them, remembering a face or an object's function is much easier than remembering its name.
Naturally, each type finds themselves drawn to certain activities and topics which suits their brain side preference. And even in the same task, each does it their own way. I'll take learning as an example , since it's discussed alot in Mirqah's learn 2 learn course ( And Yes , this is advertising, but it's Kimo's company fa I might as well). Right-brain-sided people, prefer to learn by watching videos, illustrated instructions, or even better yet... by giving it a shot themselves. They may or may not give the "accurate" but it will sure be creative in some way or another. They can't stand lots of verbal instructions and , it's very unlikely that they follow the instructions fully, whereas, left-brain-sided people are more likely to benifit from textual descriptions, step by step instructions, theories and proofs. They will follow the instructions to the point and are more likely to give a very "accurate" output. (Now that I write that, I realize it has some resemblance to the Ku theory, not sure what exactly but I feel something there. Anyway, this one's sure more scientific and not made up :) )
Having said that, I think most people of one type, both; hold themselves higher in the qualities that they value , yet envy the other type for the qualities they're short on. Meaning, a right-brain-sided people hold themselves high on creativity, colorfulnes...etc but envy the left-brain-sided people on their organization and attention to details. They would keep wondering how the other's life works without the ability to make decisions quickly using their "hunch" and having to rely only on informed decisions, yet how their own lives would be so much better if they were more ratinal and objective in their choices.
Now comes the funny part, I have both sides of my brain almost equally influential, i.e. i don't have a prefrence towards one side or the other. You'd think, "Wow, that's amazing. It means you're able to balance, right?"Actually, no... it makes you bi-polar. Imagine that you like all sorts of things, on one hand, you're challenged by numbers, languges, logic, sequence .. and on the other hand, you enjoy colors, patterns, images, feeling.. When would you have time to stimulate both side? For example, on any given evening after work, you have enough time to do one or two things, from a list of at least 10 things that you'd like to do.
I try to do my own balance though, my job as an IT business analyst, depends highly on the left side of the brain , while I chose hobbies that tickle the right side, like writing, photography and card making. That , of course, is in a perfect world that does not account for mood swings (when I end up wanting to be artsy when I'm at my analytical job and be analytical while I'm reading a fantasy novel), work over load (where I end up using the logical and rational abilities too long and not have time to play with colors and spaces), or work under-load ,if there is such a word, (when I end up blogging, designing or just day dreaming at work and miss the numbers and figures). So, most of the time, one side of the brain is fighting for attention over the other. In other words, most of the time, you're doing the opposite of what you want to do at that time. It's not as bad as it sounds though, at least you're doing something. What really is bad, is when both sides of the brain decide to take vacation at the same time, leaving me bored, lazy and reluctant to do anything at all.
So basically that's it,I just wanted to get back to blogging and reflect on the whole brain lateralization issue. Wishing you all good mental health :)
P.S.
If you're interested to find out more about that, there are millions of resources all over the internet. I personally don't trust the facebook quizzes, try the link below for a good through test along with a nice explanation from Vancouver Art Institute:
http://www.wherecreativitygoestoschool.com/vancouver/left_right/rb_test.htm
People tend to have preference to use either side more than the other, which obviously affects their education, growth, interests, hobbies and so forth. People who are 'left-brain-sided' (yes i made up that term) tend to be rational, analytic and objective. They prefer the maths and sciences and its easier for them to remember names rather than faces(or shapes). People who are 'right-brain-sided' tend to be more imaginative, creative and big-picture oriented. They prefer arts, philosophy & religion and for them, remembering a face or an object's function is much easier than remembering its name.
Naturally, each type finds themselves drawn to certain activities and topics which suits their brain side preference. And even in the same task, each does it their own way. I'll take learning as an example , since it's discussed alot in Mirqah's learn 2 learn course ( And Yes , this is advertising, but it's Kimo's company fa I might as well). Right-brain-sided people, prefer to learn by watching videos, illustrated instructions, or even better yet... by giving it a shot themselves. They may or may not give the "accurate" but it will sure be creative in some way or another. They can't stand lots of verbal instructions and , it's very unlikely that they follow the instructions fully, whereas, left-brain-sided people are more likely to benifit from textual descriptions, step by step instructions, theories and proofs. They will follow the instructions to the point and are more likely to give a very "accurate" output. (Now that I write that, I realize it has some resemblance to the Ku theory, not sure what exactly but I feel something there. Anyway, this one's sure more scientific and not made up :) )
Having said that, I think most people of one type, both; hold themselves higher in the qualities that they value , yet envy the other type for the qualities they're short on. Meaning, a right-brain-sided people hold themselves high on creativity, colorfulnes...etc but envy the left-brain-sided people on their organization and attention to details. They would keep wondering how the other's life works without the ability to make decisions quickly using their "hunch" and having to rely only on informed decisions, yet how their own lives would be so much better if they were more ratinal and objective in their choices.
Now comes the funny part, I have both sides of my brain almost equally influential, i.e. i don't have a prefrence towards one side or the other. You'd think, "Wow, that's amazing. It means you're able to balance, right?"Actually, no... it makes you bi-polar. Imagine that you like all sorts of things, on one hand, you're challenged by numbers, languges, logic, sequence .. and on the other hand, you enjoy colors, patterns, images, feeling.. When would you have time to stimulate both side? For example, on any given evening after work, you have enough time to do one or two things, from a list of at least 10 things that you'd like to do.
I try to do my own balance though, my job as an IT business analyst, depends highly on the left side of the brain , while I chose hobbies that tickle the right side, like writing, photography and card making. That , of course, is in a perfect world that does not account for mood swings (when I end up wanting to be artsy when I'm at my analytical job and be analytical while I'm reading a fantasy novel), work over load (where I end up using the logical and rational abilities too long and not have time to play with colors and spaces), or work under-load ,if there is such a word, (when I end up blogging, designing or just day dreaming at work and miss the numbers and figures). So, most of the time, one side of the brain is fighting for attention over the other. In other words, most of the time, you're doing the opposite of what you want to do at that time. It's not as bad as it sounds though, at least you're doing something. What really is bad, is when both sides of the brain decide to take vacation at the same time, leaving me bored, lazy and reluctant to do anything at all.
So basically that's it,I just wanted to get back to blogging and reflect on the whole brain lateralization issue. Wishing you all good mental health :)
P.S.
If you're interested to find out more about that, there are millions of resources all over the internet. I personally don't trust the facebook quizzes, try the link below for a good through test along with a nice explanation from Vancouver Art Institute:
http://www.wherecreativitygoestoschool.com/vancouver/left_right/rb_test.htm
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Tell me
Tell me something
everything
anything!
Tell me heroic stories from your past
when you slayed dragons
won many hearts
or learnt to play the guitar
Tell me of places, so far away,
where the earth never touches the sky
Tell me of mountains, of fountains ,of castles so high
Tell me with poetry
Tell me with words
Tell me with songs
Tell me with music
Tell me with paintings
Tell me with sculptures
Tell me any way you see descriptive
Tell me how my eyes are like heaven
Tell me how beautiful I am
Tell me how proud I should be
Tell me you miss me
Tell me you love me
Tell me you want me
Tell me you need me
I don't want to talk about yesterday
And tomorrow makes me cry
So tonight
all I want you to do is
hold me in your arms
and tell me - no - promise me
you'll just try!
Inspired by the love story of a close friend
everything
anything!
Tell me heroic stories from your past
when you slayed dragons
won many hearts
or learnt to play the guitar
Tell me of places, so far away,
where the earth never touches the sky
Tell me of mountains, of fountains ,of castles so high
Tell me with poetry
Tell me with words
Tell me with songs
Tell me with music
Tell me with paintings
Tell me with sculptures
Tell me any way you see descriptive
Tell me how my eyes are like heaven
Tell me how beautiful I am
Tell me how proud I should be
Tell me you miss me
Tell me you love me
Tell me you want me
Tell me you need me
I don't want to talk about yesterday
And tomorrow makes me cry
So tonight
all I want you to do is
hold me in your arms
and tell me - no - promise me
you'll just try!
Inspired by the love story of a close friend
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
An annoying night out!
Warning: Angry post ahead.. read at your own risk.
Yesterday, I had dinner with a few people from work. We went to this traditional kebab place in Agouza called El-Me3'arbel (food is really good by the way) but the evening was ruined for me. 3 of us entered slightly later than the rest of the group; we sat at the end of a long table. It was a crowded little place so all the tables where sort of crammed together in a small area. By now you'd say.. so what's new.. it's not like you haven't been to such a place before, why was the evening ruined. Well, from the moment we walked in , a young guy with his friend on the table on my left and a complete moron who was sitting alone on a table on my right decided that somehow I would be the entertainment of the evening.
At first I tried the, yasmine-it's-just-in-your-head but then who was I kidding. Then I tried the ignore-it-and-it-will-go-away approach/ if you don't make eye contact they will get bored and stop it, but that didn't work neither. Then , I went to give-them-a-dirty-look approach, which I hardly ever need to use, but that didn't work either. Well, the young dude with his friends was a bit taken off.. so he'd be staring until I give him the look so he looks away... but that went on all night.. what the #$%^! However, the disgusting older guy, with a big zebeebet sala, was just pure rude. He was just watching me.. nothing, no dirty-look or what-the-hell-do-you-think-you're-looking-at look would take his eyes off me. And it was so humiliating.. I really felt naked and venerable. I mean.. I wasn't wearing anything attractive at all, really! My jeans with a LONG plain top that goes to my knees, no make -up, nothing.. I swear... It was really so uncomfortable. I was sitting with 7 gentlemen on the table , one of which noticed and gave him a good share of lemm-nafsak/behave look and he was just rude enough to keep staring.
I was so tense, I felt like crying, and I could feel myself getting more tense by the second. With the first person going out for a smoke, I left the table and went for some fresh air. The guys eyes followed me out the door.. it was insane .. he wasn't embarrassed, he wasn't even trying to hide it. Then we go back in , and he still follows me to the table. I was so self conscious that I kept watching the way I ate, the way I walked, the way I breathed... what was I doing wrong. And the situation isn't an easy one to escape; do I become the party-pooper and just leave what otherwise could have been a lovely evening, at least for other people!? Do I mention it to my friends and make a scene? What about going back to my car; will he follow? I mean the guy was there before we arrived and paid his check just as we ordered our own. It's terrible when you actually feel scared and unsafe , which I shouldn't feel since I have like I said 7 of my male friends with me. But then again, I can't go playing the damsel in distress with people I work with, right? Plus, we're not in highschool anymore where guys always ran to guys for help from the ugly world out there. On the other hand, I couldn't, while the guys sitting there, go and 2rda7/ argue with the guy, right?!
Just one of those evenings! If any of you fine readers have a suggestion as to what I should have done in such a situation, seriously, please share!
Yesterday, I had dinner with a few people from work. We went to this traditional kebab place in Agouza called El-Me3'arbel (food is really good by the way) but the evening was ruined for me. 3 of us entered slightly later than the rest of the group; we sat at the end of a long table. It was a crowded little place so all the tables where sort of crammed together in a small area. By now you'd say.. so what's new.. it's not like you haven't been to such a place before, why was the evening ruined. Well, from the moment we walked in , a young guy with his friend on the table on my left and a complete moron who was sitting alone on a table on my right decided that somehow I would be the entertainment of the evening.
At first I tried the, yasmine-it's-just-in-your-head but then who was I kidding. Then I tried the ignore-it-and-it-will-go-away approach/ if you don't make eye contact they will get bored and stop it, but that didn't work neither. Then , I went to give-them-a-dirty-look approach, which I hardly ever need to use, but that didn't work either. Well, the young dude with his friends was a bit taken off.. so he'd be staring until I give him the look so he looks away... but that went on all night.. what the #$%^! However, the disgusting older guy, with a big zebeebet sala, was just pure rude. He was just watching me.. nothing, no dirty-look or what-the-hell-do-you-think-you're-looking-at look would take his eyes off me. And it was so humiliating.. I really felt naked and venerable. I mean.. I wasn't wearing anything attractive at all, really! My jeans with a LONG plain top that goes to my knees, no make -up, nothing.. I swear... It was really so uncomfortable. I was sitting with 7 gentlemen on the table , one of which noticed and gave him a good share of lemm-nafsak/behave look and he was just rude enough to keep staring.
I was so tense, I felt like crying, and I could feel myself getting more tense by the second. With the first person going out for a smoke, I left the table and went for some fresh air. The guys eyes followed me out the door.. it was insane .. he wasn't embarrassed, he wasn't even trying to hide it. Then we go back in , and he still follows me to the table. I was so self conscious that I kept watching the way I ate, the way I walked, the way I breathed... what was I doing wrong. And the situation isn't an easy one to escape; do I become the party-pooper and just leave what otherwise could have been a lovely evening, at least for other people!? Do I mention it to my friends and make a scene? What about going back to my car; will he follow? I mean the guy was there before we arrived and paid his check just as we ordered our own. It's terrible when you actually feel scared and unsafe , which I shouldn't feel since I have like I said 7 of my male friends with me. But then again, I can't go playing the damsel in distress with people I work with, right? Plus, we're not in highschool anymore where guys always ran to guys for help from the ugly world out there. On the other hand, I couldn't, while the guys sitting there, go and 2rda7/ argue with the guy, right?!
Just one of those evenings! If any of you fine readers have a suggestion as to what I should have done in such a situation, seriously, please share!
Friday, November 28, 2008
Aftermath
The intro:
A good friend told me, "Yasmine, there are no winners here. Just cut the chase, go down with your boots on and get it over with". And he was right (and I am soooooo grateful). I did go down to the bottom of the matter, but with a smile and high heals.
The upside:
1- I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest
2- They feel happy and proud and flattered. It feels amazing to make a person you care about feel special, no?
3- We agreed to move beyond that point *somehow*
4- I was not a desperate (I hope) looser who sings zalmooh and cry themselves to sleep, I was me ; the fun, casual but caring me.
5- The conversation went smooth and fun; we even made jokes of it. No tension or pressure was built.
6- It was the right thing to do!
The downside:
1- The conversation left lots of questions unanswered, for both parties.
2- Now I have to meet expectations of being "emotionally mature", so in other words, I lost my right to go girlie or emotional.
3- I'm not even sure I know how to implement the *somehow* I mentioned, although it was my suggestion in the first place. (But hey.. I'll figure out a way)
4- The conversation got me more hooked than ever, they were amazing at handling the situation... they always are!
5- I'll miss all the fun parts (but then again, it will be just a matter of time to get used to that.)
6- The insomnia isn't getting better (but it is still too early to judge)
Conclusion:
Although it's a tie between the upside and the downside; it being the right thing to do is enough to make the upside win!
No regrets!
A good friend told me, "Yasmine, there are no winners here. Just cut the chase, go down with your boots on and get it over with". And he was right (and I am soooooo grateful). I did go down to the bottom of the matter, but with a smile and high heals.
The upside:
1- I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest
2- They feel happy and proud and flattered. It feels amazing to make a person you care about feel special, no?
3- We agreed to move beyond that point *somehow*
4- I was not a desperate (I hope) looser who sings zalmooh and cry themselves to sleep, I was me ; the fun, casual but caring me.
5- The conversation went smooth and fun; we even made jokes of it. No tension or pressure was built.
6- It was the right thing to do!
The downside:
1- The conversation left lots of questions unanswered, for both parties.
2- Now I have to meet expectations of being "emotionally mature", so in other words, I lost my right to go girlie or emotional.
3- I'm not even sure I know how to implement the *somehow* I mentioned, although it was my suggestion in the first place. (But hey.. I'll figure out a way)
4- The conversation got me more hooked than ever, they were amazing at handling the situation... they always are!
5- I'll miss all the fun parts (but then again, it will be just a matter of time to get used to that.)
6- The insomnia isn't getting better (but it is still too early to judge)
Conclusion:
Although it's a tie between the upside and the downside; it being the right thing to do is enough to make the upside win!
No regrets!
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