A piece of my mind

كمان ٣ أسابيع هبلغ من العمر ٣٣ سنة. كنت لحد قريب اوي مش بيفرق معايا موضوع السن ده خالص وبعدين فجأة أدركت أني كبرت. بقى عندي شعرتين بيض، ودي بالنسبة لناس كثيرة ولا حاجة، بس لي انا فارقة جدا، مش بس عشان انا هيفة وسطحية ودماغي فاضية وبهتم بالشكل زيادة عن اللزوم، لا في الحقيقة لعدة أسباب: - أمي ما بدأش  شعرها يشيب غير في منتصف الأربعينات، يعني بدأت بدري اوي عنها - ده دليل أني بحرق دمي على طول (حسب المقولة الشعبية) - كان نفسي اعمل حاجات كثير اوي قبل ما أشيب  وده بيجبنا للنقطة اللي بعد كده، مش فاكرة انا سمعت ولا قرأت الموضوع ده، ان سن ال٣٣ ده، يكتمل فيه جمال وعقل المرأة. فبالتالي احتجت أقف مع نفسي واقارن حالي مع الصورة اللي رسمتها لنفسي زمان. لقيت في الحقيقة، ان لو ياسمين اللي عمرها ١٥ او ١٨ او ٢١ او حتى ٢٥-٢٦ شفتني، هيجلها  اكتئاب. ازاي انا بعيدة اوي كدة عن ما كنت عايزة؟ ازاي الصورة اللي كنت رسماها لنفسي لا تمت بصلة لحياتي النهارده؟  حاجة تجيب احباط الحقيقة.  بس هنعمل ايه، المهم، سواء شئنا او أبينا، و هبقى ٣٣ ونطفئ الشمع ونقول السنة دي هنسوي الهوايل وتعدي سنة وراء سن...

limbo n pl -bos 1. (Christian Religious Writings / Theology) (often capital) Christianity the supposed abode of infants dying without baptism and the just who died before Christ 2. an imaginary place for lost, forgotten, or unwanted persons or things 3. an unknown intermediate place or condition between two extremes in limbo 4. a prison or confinement  as defined in thefreedictionary.com I look at myself today and think that I've been living in Limbo for almost two year. I hate how this ended up; limbo actually sucks the energy out of me. This state ends in 2014, I will not live like this forever, and "you" are either in or out.

I'm in awe of the concept of the femme fatale. I'm not sure if she only exists in film or real life, but the idea of that woman fascinates me. Imagine an incredibly smart, incredibly sexy and most of all incredibly confident woman who knows how to use her beauty and intelligence to get what she wants, including get people in deadly situations, isn't that amazing!

 نفسي ازعق وأصوت واصرخ بصوت عالي واقولك "...." بس لأ مش هقولها.. مش هقولها عشان بخاف. ايوة  بخاف منك ، بخاف من قلبتك عليا. بس المشكلة أني انا كمان خائفة ، خائفة اسمع نفسي بقولها لا اصدق، ومش قادرة اتخيل ممكن يحصل ايه لو صدقت نفسي في حاجة زي كدة. اهو..احنا قاعدين لحد ما حاجة تحصل او حد فينا يلم شنطته ويمشي، وغالبا هيكون انا، علشان ترتاح -- Feb 2013

I just made that term up. It's that point when you are " almost " at your weight loss target but know that you still have a long way of maintenance to go through, so you end up dreaming/ daydreaming/ fantasizing about food that you know you won't eat, but can't help thinking about it. Here are my thoughts: Cheesecake with strawberry topping - Chocolate mint cupcake - Actually, Chocolate mint ice cream from Coldstone's with chocolate chips and chocolate fudge  - Lasagna - fudge toffee, ideally Quality Street's pink one - Feteer meshaltet with mesh cheese  - Steak with peppercorn sauce and mashed potatoes - no, potato wedges - actually any potato will do - Pasta - chicken pesto pasta with sun-dried tomato - 7awashi - KFC - ro2a2 - Kabsa - Almond croissant - Ciabatta with olive oil - any bread ... bread... bread... bread... -- Feb 2013

Did we ever watch movies where a girl was chasing the guy and not the opposite? Did she ever reach her goal? How did she deal with the everyday frustration? When she was pms-ing and feeling down, how did she handle rejection? Other than drugs and alcohol, any suggestions? -- Definitely March 2013 

A while back, when I was young and foolish, I used to dedicate  special  ringtones for  special  people. Family ringtones were always fine.. family will always be family. The problem with that dedicated ringtone for that  special  someone; you get attached to it. When you miss them, you hear it in your mind and feel a compulsive obsession to sms something sexy, witty or funny, because when they get that, they will call , and you will hear your  special  ringtone. You'd be out having coffee with your friends and the ringtone would put a confident smile on your face, even though you won't pick up, you know that they miss you too. You'd be at work and that phone rings and you find your colleagues sheepishly smiling, cause it has become a habit that you take calls with that  special  ringtone out, instead of on your desk. You'd be driving, and some random dude in some random car is playing that  special...

I realized where I messed up.  It is always the hardest meeting someone who shared the same interested, let alone values and aspirations. I thought it was impossible. So I fell for him, someone who not only shares but equally obsesses about the same things I obsess about; work, travel, food, sport, family, religion…etc. The problem was; I obsessed about him while he obsessed about him. I wish it were me he obsessed about. Sigh -- Oct 2013

Isn’t it amazing how zeww survived 6 serious relationships, but it was the one “not a relationship” that broke her! Stupid stupid girl! The main problem with patterns is expectations. Resisting the urge to do something I will later classify as stupid. Self restraint is really hard to master! -- October 2013

1- Anything with Nutella is always good! 2- It hurts when you realize you are no longer a priority in a friend’s life. Hurts equally every time with a new person. And no, you don’t get used to it. 3- No matter how many times I do, I still panic in video interviews. 4- There is a moment in time, possibly in 2008- 2009 when salaries simply quadrupled overnight. I missed that moment. If I am right, that was possibly when I got caught up in a storm in Wadi Rum in Jordan with two friends. This is a moment for the HHGG. That’s it for now --  August 2013

This is how it started… he’d check the social media to see what she said on her wall, her last tweet, and the last photo she uploaded on Facebook. He was fascinated by her, look at all those cute photos he’d say, she’s gorgeous woman. Look at those thoughts she shared, she’s brilliant and funny. God, I’ll do anything of you would make her mine. After several attempts on and off line, they ended up together. But social media got more sophisticated. It was fun at first, he’d buy her the signature bracelet she just pinned on Pinterest and she’d fly over the moon. He’d watch the videos she watched on YouTube, and like every single comment she made in Facebook. He’d check on her several times a day. But she felt trapped, suffocated so she left. But he kept showing up everywhere she checked in on foursquare and even followed on Instagram and commented on all her photos. She felt scared but she was being nice, no need to unblock she said, I’ll just change my privacy settings. But soc...

It always sucks to be reminded how “alone” you are, doesn’t it? You’d be having a normal conversation with someone who you consider close, only for them to “drop a hint” to remind you that no, you are different, possibly an outcast. I kind of envy H, for she managed to find a group of friends who were “just like her” early on. You look at them, they do have differences of course, but they dress the same, talk the same, have the same sense of humor and ideologies. I never had that, in fact, ever since i was a little girl, my friends would compose a perfect “group” with me being the odd one out. The only time when I felt I had a “group” was in my late twenties, when we all got together because we were all so different, that one could argue that differences were the only thing we had in common. And I thought I was meant to be alone, unique or individual. But there was M who made everything change. She was different, yet i admired everything about her. She influenced me in so many ...

It completely feels like a deja vu from last December. God knows how I hated December; the Iti7adeya events, being locked in the house, hearing the noise, smelling the tear gas, watching news on TV 24/7 of the bloodshed. Work was tricky, though we can argue it always is. And there was him, making a point in the most dramatic way.  Today, we’re back to the iti7adeya events, not as dramatic though, but still scary, still locked in the house by military tanks and still watching news 24/7… news depress me very much… I think people like me are meant to live in denial or in the future, but simply not in the current events. Anyway, work is less tricky but more, well, exhausting. And he, came out of the blue, left some footprints on the carpet that I’m trying to clean off then left.    Point being, its an annoying deja vu of days that I hated, but I try hard to stay positive. Ramadan is coming up in a few days time and sadly I can not think of the spiritual...

I was out with some high-school friends a few weeks ago and hanging out with them and hearing their stories, of fun, travel, restaurants, spouses, kids, places, people…I had to come to terms with the fact that I have no life anymore.  Later, a close friend asked me, what do you mean you have no life? And I said, what do I do all day other than work? And he said, well, if it makes you happy, that’s your life. I accepted that , for lack of better definition or lack of the will to argue. Then a few days ago, I found the definition of “have no life”. Have no life is being home on a Thursday/Friday night, too tired to go to the gym, eyes burning from too much work on the laptop, constantly checking your phone hoping someone would say, “let’s go for coffee or something”, looking around the house to realize everyone has gone out for the evening, then resorting to call your 2 year old nephew on the phone to hear his laughter for 2 seconds (you know how short is the span of atten...

Yesterday on the plane, there was a child with Down syndrome who tried to share smiles and giggles with anyone who’d spare a few moments. Most people didn’t bother, but there was this younger child who kept playing peekaboo. I realized I admired this child, he’s not afraid of what’s different, although his other siblings pretended not to see the one who was ‘different’. I, who usually curse those plane trips with noisy kids, spent the 3.5 hours flight playing peekaboo with both kids, while reading my book. And all I could think of was; "I wish I had candy in my pocket to give the two little angels!". It seems I am human after all. -- Flying back from Dubai, June 2013

Hi! I miss you! I fucking wish you were here! Yes, it’s that bad! Salam -- Some time in May 2013

قعدت مدة طويلة افكر هو انا عايزة ادعي له ولا ادعي عليه.. مش قادرة اسامحه بس مش قادرة اكره. لحد ما قرأت لمرة الالف الحديث “… كما تدين تدان…” وجاه في دماغي جملة واحدة بس اتمنى يكون ليك قلب! -- Some time in May 2013

Yes.. you heard me right. The good guy is, indeed, the new bad guy. Sounds like something you'd read in Cosmo magazine, no? And in cosmo, it'll probably end with tips about what to wear to attract this guys and top 5 moves he likes in bed. Sadly, this post is not as saucy.. it's just plain old boring text, even without illustrations or photos. So, back to the title... what the hell is that anyway? I'll tell you: you know how girls always fall in their 20s for the "bad guy"; that being the guy with the mysterious attitude, maybe even mood swings, could be a womanizer, probably has serious commitment issues and will almost always end up treating girls like crap. As we, the few remaining single girls, approach (or enter) our 30s, we realize that this repeated pattern is not working, so we internally convince ourselves that the typically "good guy" is better for us. We're sick and tired of being treated like shit just because we care for someon...

I’ve been cursed with this, well, “feature”, for lack of better terminology. Somehow, I never reacted on time. This applies for happy, as well as, unhappy events. See, I watch a movie, for instance, think I had an okay time, then maybe what, 3-4 months later, I start recalling things in mind my how splendid it was! I only cried over my Grandpa a year after his death. And somehow, when things end with “special someone”, I never really get out of the denial phase to actually missing them except like a month after. Now this completely messes up my planning, usually. I try to plan serious emotional decisions around my travel plans. It helps to run away from problems or get oneself busy you know. But what usually happens, is that I surprise myself by get the blues right after a trip. This time, I outsmarted me (yeah.. like this was possible.. but let’s think of it as a preventative action), I planned two trips! Hahaa! One was actually sort of miserable (I did get foo...

You know how many people are shy; as in prefer an intimate setting to a crowd, feel more comfortable with people they know than strangers…etc. I always have been far from that. I mean I do have my moments of shyness, but never had a stage-fright per se. I was always comfortable in crowds as I am with friends. But somehow, as messed up as things can get, I think I flipped to the other side, completely. To top all insecurities possible, I actually feel more comfortable in crowds now.  I am more comfortable talking to a thousand people on a podium than with 3 or 4 friends over dinner. Yes, sick, I know. I think it’s a defense mechanism, I felt rejected by so many “close” people, that I no longer feel like exposing my soul. So I prefer crowds, talking about the weather, startups, economic situation and how it affects startups and nail polish colors that keep getting crazier every day. But like in The Great Gatsby, where Fitzgerlad said "And I like large p...

When you've tried your best, your absolute best, and then waited  and waited and waited ... There's a certain peace of mind in giving up on someone. -- End of April / Early May 2013

I like the thought that all water is connected; a tear I cried, carrying a prayer or a wish, in the pouring rain at the Ozoud waterfall in Morocco actually managed to swim the Atlantic ocean, the Mediterranean sea and the Nile river to whisper to you, when you washed your face and made prayer in the evening in Cairo. -- After the Marrakech trip, end of April 2013

أول *سم وان سبيشيال* في حياتي كان في سنة أولى ثانوي. زميلي في المدرسة وحبينا بعض وكنا مقتنعين ان احنا لما نكبر هنتجوز. وفي أولى جامعة، اتغيرنا لدرجة أننا مبقيناش عارفين نتفق على أي حاجة. سيبنا بعض، ورغم انه انسان محترم جدا الا انه كان رسمي اوي.. بالورقة والقلم… بس الصراحة، كان بيحبني بجد. لما الموضوع انتهى دعيت ربنا ،قلت يا رب… المرة الجاية، عايزة حد مبدع وملحلح شوية، يا سلام لو فنان مثلا ويا سلام لو مش في مصر. وقابلت تاني *سم وان سبيشيال* وانا في لندن بعمل الماجيستير: مصري، عايش طول عمره في انجلترا واسكتلنده، فنان ، بيشتغل في الفيديو والاعلانات والتصوير والاخراج.. حاجة مبهرة جدا. وكان شخصية مرحة وصحبته ممتعة… بس لما قرر يقلب عليا الوش التاني.. اخدت برضه وش فنان مهموم عنيف. انا كنت حبيته وانبهرت به اوي.. بس هو لأ. انتهت القصة ودعيت قلت يا رب… المرة الجاية، عايزة حد ذكي وحذق ومثقف ويكون بيحبني.. انا مش وش بهدلة. وقابلت ثالث *سم وان سبيشيال* في الشركة اللي كنت بشتغل فيها ساعتها. كان زميلي في الكلية في سنة اولى وبعدين انا حولت لجامعة تانية. المهم، هو كان شخص مجتهد و ^*هارد وركر*^ و ...

The question is, do you miss him? The memory of him? Or being loved by him? Or is it all one and the same? When you think about the cute things someone has done for you, don't count the thing they have done out of convenience, but of the things they went out of their way to do. How many were these? And how long did they last?  Food for thought:  In the movie that is my life, it seems to me that I am not the protagonist. Just part of the cast. Which is sad really. I mean, if we're not even the main characters in our lives, if we're just cast, then what?!   -- Some time in April 2013

هو البني آدم ايه غير طاقة ومرارة وشوية حاجات تانية صغيرة؟ لو طاقتي خلصت، هنعمل ايه؟ لو مرارتي اتفقعت، هنعمل ايه؟ بوصي يا بنتي.. هي بانت كده خلاص... القفة دي مش قفتك! -- Some time in April 2013

On Hugs I think I'm comfortable to say that I reached the conclusion that a  silent ,  warm ,  and  long   hug  from the right person, can solve 50% of one's problems. On being caught in the act The moment when you plan to check on (ehm ehm... stalk) someone on whatsapp only to find the notified say "online" in the blink of an eye, you feel like, someone has just caught you stealing! On realizations “ No, seriously. What if this really is as good as it gets? What do we do? ” - me! On famous sayings One of the most important and significant sayings ever said: “ كان في، وخلص ” -- Some time in April 2013

I apologize in advance for talking about an Arabic song in English but thats my writing mood right now. Anyway, this is THE perfect song in my definition. I'm not sure if I had said that about songs in the past or not, but even if I did, this will still be the most perfect of all perfect songs. Music is a fusion between soft rock and Egyptian percussions. Let alone the lyrics which are shortened from an amazing blogger (read the full poem  here ) and sung in a Mawwal style. Simply amazing. I find the song so empowering. It fills me with energy and emotions.  I remember I heard that song for the first time in a concert in Sakyet El Sawy with friends like 3 years ago, a little before the revolution. It was also my first time to hear Massar Egbary in general and I fell in love. Oh.. let's not use love.. I hate that word. I mean to say, I think Massar Egbary are one of the coolest bands out there. Back to the song, when I first heard it, I stood there stunted. It had b...

لقد كانت حالة زائفة من السعادة المؤقتة،  وانقضت. فماذا كنت تتوقعين؟ Sometime in March 2013

الساعة ١٢ بليل ودلوقتي بس قدرت اقعد مع نفسي واعيط. اخد على قفايا الصبح وأنا مبتسمة، كملت شغل وقابلت ناس وأنا برضه مبتسمة. خلصت شغل وقضيت مشاوير وطلبات وقضيت وقت مع العائلة ، رغم أني كنت خلاص بنفجر، وأنا برضه مبتسمة! وبعد ١٢ ساعة من الابتسامة الساقعة، اقدر استرجع ذكرى القفا الاليمة وأبكي على حظي الهباب. لا في الحقيقة هو مش موضوع حظ، هي مجموعة قرارات انا أخذتها في حياتي ولازم أتحمل نتيجتها. اعتقد أني بقيت عيلة وعايزة أخلع من المسؤولية والوم العالم والناس كلها، على الأقل الليلة دي وانا قاعده في السرير صعبان عليا نفسي، ممكن؟ -- some time in march 2013 ...  Note: I didnt cry then.. only felt like it!

Earlier this year, I had made a decision to move to " A new world by Zeww ", a tumblr platform. But a few days ago I realized I wanted to leave blogging to   blogger   and tumbling to tumblr. Seems intuitive, no? It wasn't that intuitive back then when all I  wanted was a new beginning, leave everything behind, close a chapter, ...etc. Now I’m at the phase where I’m trying to embrace the past. I’ll start moving my more blog-like posts to from tumblr to here, while leaving tumblr will be about my new project; lifestyle, decor, food, fun, mostly lifestyle tumblr which will be shared freely on Facebook, Twitter and all. I may ask guest contributors to join me… expect very different stuff here.  That's it for now.  Blogger... I'm back

Let’s be disappointed. Let’s curse and swear and bitch and moan about it for days or even weeks. Let’s even get angry blame time and be resentful at the unfairness of life. When I think about the look in your eyes when you told me how you felt, I realize it was all worth it; the unfairness, the heartache and even the confusion. I mean, what else do we need in life except moments of genuine emotion, even if we know it will end, and even when it is actually over

A closure is a rare and wonderful opportunity to put an end to a chapter in your life and move on with some (hopefully many) questions answered. Like I mentioned, it’s rare; so rare that having one in your lifetime is a blessing on its own despite the outcome. I have had that wonderful opportunity, with an amazing outcome,too. I figured out I wasn’t an idiot 100%. I kept my mouth shut and saved humanity from my verbal-diarrhea. I tried to formulate my emotions into well composed thoughts. In other words, I was not an emotional wreck. I got a few of my questions answered; the most important ones at least. I don’t feel like I’ve been played. I don’t feel betrayed. Really, it won’t better than I could have dreamt. So why do I feel like crying? And where are those damn tears when we need them? It’s been 5 years already !

In the novel in reading, they were talking how in Venice, the electricity is so intertwined and tangled, that if one gets a short circuit from a electric kettle , they quite possibly electrocuted their neighbor. And we know of the butterfly effect theory, that a butterfly flapping its wings somewhere in Europe, may cause a hurricane in Japan. Now with all that interconnection of things, why would one not thing about the consequences of their actions. The 5 seconds someone spends thinking of a witty line to chat one morning may torture someone else for the rest of the week. Butterfly effect. Electrocute your neighbor . Selfish enough not to care

I was going through saved drafts as well as published posts on this blog and it hit me... I've been feeling down for so long. I've only had this exact feeling once before and moving to a new blogging platform actually helped. That was back in 2006.  It may appear irrelevant to some, but its actually good to start something new. And a blog seems like the right thing to do at the moment. In not so many words, it's time for me to move from this blog, leaving A Piece of My Mind behind and moving to A New World, by Zeww . See you all there.....

I wish I could wake up one day and feel beautiful and desirable. Not desirable by the public, but by that special person that I choose. But the problem is, I am notorious for a history of wrong choices. Choices that were wrong to start with and ended up absolutely wrong, which end up in me feeling less desirable, less wanted, ... less of a woman, which is ok most of the time, just not today. For reality has it, that when I gave my heart to someone, I wanted to know everything there is to know about him; what he says and what he doesn't. And most importantly, why he left. I could always ask, but what if he still doesn't want to reply. Should I go around stalking the hell out of him looking for my  answer? No, I won't, out of respect for his privacy which he cherishes so much.  It's funny that I actually remember a conversation that we had; I said if I was to wish for a superpower, I'd want to read minds and he said that it was a horrible thing to wish fo...