Hashish

This post is a bit long, so bear with me.

Let me tell you the story of the worst thing I ever did; maybe you'll find it useful, and avoid doing the same mistakes I did. But before I tell you the story, I have to tell you about my best friend, Merna. Merna has always been everything I couldn't be ; I sometimes despised her every action and sometimes wished I was her. We were friends since we were 12, but it has always been a love-hate relationship. Sometimes I felt, she only befriended me because she needed to boost her superiority. See, Merna was the pretty blond party-girl, with the fun loving careless charm; while I was the nerd with the long braid and eye glasses. She was the prom queen, every guy's dream girl, in school, university and to this day. I , on the other hand, was never that popular until my senior year in university, when my long braid was seen as hippie and rebellious by an intellectual few. Only then have I made friends. Only then have I started dating.

I always learned from Merna's mistakes; her actions never made sense to me, she was brilliantly smart, yet never bothered to study. She dated the most amazing guys ever, who always came to me for advise on how to win her back , once she got bored of them for no particular reason. She'd make a mess, cry her eyes out blaming everyone and everything and never for once admit she made a mistake. I always cleaned up her mess, showed her support, and don't ask me why.. I have no idea. Regardless of how different we were, we always remained friends. We knew each other's family, friends, boyfriends, habits, secrets,.. you name it, we shared it.

Enough introduction, I'll tell you the story.

When I was a senior, like I told you, I was seen as a rebel. I found comfort in my new group of intellectual rebel friends and I realized my culture interests. I joined a group called CotC (Club of the Cultured), like-minded young people, who organized cultural, musical, artsy events and trips. We traveled all over Egypt ,especially after I graduated, exploring the off beaten tracks, and playing music in the moonlight. Merna would only join me in any of these experiences if she had nothing better to do. But when Farouk, the handsome guitar tutor joined the CotC, she always came.

Farouk was an amazing guy, well built, sophisticated, educated, well read, speaks 5 languages fluently and above all we got along so well, that is before Merna discovered him. We were quite close, and I just knew he had feelings for me. I would have said yes, if he asked me out; but he never got the chance to, since she showed up messing up everything.. as usual! I considered asking him out several times, but as I said, once she interfered, I naturally backed out.

They hooked up, only naturally, since she always got the men she wanted. They fought a lot, since she never matched him intellectually and he would have preferred sitting around the house and watch TV, rather than go out clubbing or lounging with the who's who of the year. And everytime they'd argue, and I'd hear both sides of the story, I'd go to his side and feel for him. So many times have I resisted the temptation of actually coming out and confessing how I felt for him. and the way I felt only grew stronger by the minute. The more she treated him bad, the more I believed he was too good for her, the more I felt an ache in my heart.

I decided to give myself sometime away, so I'd get over him, but he wouldn't let me. He'd call every night to make sure I was fine and tell me his latest with her. He was so confused , according to him; it was dying between them. Then one autumn night, they both called me at the same time to inform me they broke up. I sighed, it's my chance to act on it. I arranged a CotC trip to Sinai to help him take his mind off things. Merna refused to come.

Sinai was brilliant that time of year, no tourists nor school children running around, amazing weather, beautiful waters and the dessert! Daytime was excellent , everyone socialized and we had a brilliant time taking photos and doing water sports , but , as we had our sunset stroll by the beach, Farouk and I, I got mesmerized in his blue eyes; yet all the time, he talked about her. The night around the fire, everyone gathered around Farouk who played his guitar as people sang and danced. He was full of mixed signals, I wasn't sure if he talked to me because he was interested in me as a person or just because I remind him of her, but I realized that I only need time to find out. The next morning, Merna called me, saying how much she misses him and that she wants him back. She said she'd talk to him face to face once we got back from our trip. That meant that I only had tonight and tomorrow to find out if he feels the same way I do, before she steals him , again, from me. And for that day, I didn't know what to do, I lacked the courage to talk to him but I wanted him so bad! I was like an addict away from their dope, I didn't think except about Farouk; how I would tell him and how I would act. One friend suggested that I should take something to help me relax, drugs were so common in CotC, but I never did. I smoked socially sometimes, a cigarette or two every couple of weeks, but that day, I was so tense I smoked a whole pack.

Once the sun set, and we gathered round the fire and I sat next to him , but didn't say a word. As he stopped playing his guitar, I moved in closer, then he moved closer ,till our thighs touched. Casually, he wrapped one arm around me, which was all it took for me to loose control of my emotions. As he took out his hashish cigarette to smoke, I tried to gain control over myself, not wanting to do anything stupid. I moved away to the other end of the circle.That night, it seemed like everyone in the group were smoking hashish, I felt my head lighter, slightly more relaxed; but the idea of telling him was growing more and more inside me. After a while, it wasn't just telling him , it was holding him , caressing his face, kissing his lips, moving my fingers on his muscled chest.. I can't really remember the exact trail of thoughts, it's a bit hazy. My friend from earlier , sat beside me and repeated his offer , a cigarette to help me relax. I asked if it was hashish and he confirmed it was. I took it, lit it and started to smoke. I was already mildly curious about hashish, but mostly interested in something that would give me the courage to tell him how I felt, before the morning came and we went back to Cairo. It was an urgent need growing inside me, and I was stupid enough to think that one cigarette will answer all my concerns.

At first , it tasted and felt like a normal cigarette, or perhaps maybe a menthol or a luxury brand that comes in different tastes, I can't remember exactly. Then gradually I started to feel more relaxed, more courageous and as odd as it sounds, more sexy, which is something I rarely ever felt. I stretched my left arm, my hand and fingers, looking at my newly acquired tan and my black nail polish and thought that my hand looks beautiful. Not that this has any relevance to anything, but I do remember this giving me the self confidence I needed to pull off the rest of the night. I moved beside Farouk, upbraided my hair, letting it run over my back and shoulders, running my fingers through it. I could see his eyes on me, following my finger through my hair and on my shoulder. Our eyes met; and as he played his guitar, I stood up to dance. Everyone was surprised, I never danced before. All the time I looked at him, he played songs by Santana , I moved my body, in ways I never knew possible,perhaps like gipsies, belly dancers, flamenco or even authentic dancers from the orient. Music can do strange things to you , when you had your first smoke of hashish.

The rest of the night was very strange to me. It was like watching a movie staring yourself. Like I knew things were going in a wrong direction but couldn't stop it. Like wanting to shout, to myself “Stop it, are you insane?” but sitting in the viewers seat to watch myself do the mistakes. At some point I thought, “stop it crazy self” and turned to go and sit down with the group, but he gave his guitar to someone else,and he stood up to dance with another girl. I lost control! It was clearly that it was just a dance but I was overwhelmed with jealousy. I knew deep inside that whatever I will do next will be something stupid and that I'll regret it later. I went to my friend, smoked another hashish cigarette and without thinking, I proceeded to Farouk. I told him I needed to talk to him and that it was very urgent and can't wait. He came with me, and we moved away from the crowd and closer to the sea, until the music, laughter and fire light faded into the background.

I kept my silence for a minute or two , or ten, I couldn't really tell, time was very irrelevant at that situation. I looked him straight in the eyes, took a deep breath , told him I loved him , placed a deep kiss on his forehead then walked two steps back. I couldn't really explain why I was doing that, or what I expected in return. I just felt an urgent need to do it, and back then.. it made perfect sense. Between the heat of the moment, how high I was and my embarrassment, I couldn't make much sense of what he said afterwards; but it had to do with him loving me or was it wanting me.. I didn't quite make sense of it. He approached me, pulled me closer and kissed me passionately. We made out on the beach until perhaps sunrise when I must have fallen.

I expected to face something like a hangover when I woke up but I didn't, so naturally I expected it to be yet another one of these dreams that feel so vivid; but he was there, laying down on the sand next to me, looking at me and smiling. I can't possibly explain the embarrassment or regret I felt, or still feel till now. Everyone treated me differently , things never became the same and I was forced to leave my friends at CotC.

What made things worse, was when Merna found out. She took it really badly, and I don't blame her, I was the worst type of friend, one that stabs you in the back. That not about as bad as the fact that now, a year afterwards, everytime I stretch my left arm, hand and fingers, I see his wedding ring and blame myself for my foolishness and stupidity. Promise me , my reader, that you will marry people for the right reasons; I only realize it now, but I only wanted him because he was hers. Yes.. I am married out of envy, for my best friend.

To make things worse and harder for me , Merna has forgiven me. She forgot me stabbing her at the back and marrying the guy she perhaps truly loved, and she let go of all the pain and hurt I caused her just because she remembered our long friendship.

But you know what, the worst thing about the whole story is that to day, I feel the same way about Merna. It's still a love hate thing. I hate that while I'm stuck here with a suffering concience, a heaviness on my heart and a husband that I married for the wrong reasons while she has the capacity to move on , to forgive and how she has peace of mind . And it was apparent to me.. I always envied her.. I still do, and will probably always die with my envy.


Ladies and gentleman, needless of further explanation, that was my story about envy, the sixth of the seven deadly sins.