I haven't been to my late grandmother's house since I was a little girl. I remember she used to have in her bedroom, a huge wooden frame that contains different pieces of paper, pictures and other things she holds dear. No one was allowed to touch it, look at it or ask about it. It was her secret treasure. I remember seeing her talk to the frame a few days before she died, she said something like "I think it's my time to turn to dust now old friend" but I never understood what she meant then. I knew it was a dying person's intuition but never totally understood what she really meant.
I went to grandma's house this morning to move some things there I saw the huge wooden frame and suddenly I was back to my six-year old self, curious to see what she was hiding there. As I moved
closer, the first thing I saw was a piece of paper in her own handwriting, I'd like to share it with you……
I had an important wedding to go to a couple of years ago. I usually hated weddings…I always looked like an ugly duckling who doesn't belong. I went shopping a few days before, got the outfit, the shoes, the handbag, new makeup, and a full length mirror in a wooden frame. Yes, a mirror. I've had a number of full length mirrors before but they all eventually got broken and for months I refused to use them. I'd borrow small mirrors off my friends or just ignore how I look for lack of care. But that day, I saw the mirror, I wasn't looking for one…I was clothes shopping but when I saw it in that store I knew I must have it. You know, it was one of those things that you can't afford but can't afford not to have. One of the chances that you know if you miss you'll regret for the rest of your life.
The mirror wasn't typically my style. It had a wooden frame, I usually preferred metal ones. It was huge and I couldn't think of a place that would fit the whole thing. So why buy it? It was just gorgeous. I'd just look at it and see myself more beautiful than ever. It was a pure magic… a spell that seduced me. I took the
mirror home; put on my wedding outfit….and my God did I look stunning. And sure as hell it wasn't the dress.
A week later, I moved it inside my room, I couldn't resist it's beauty or my beauty in it's eyes. The spell grew
stronger by the second. I loved looking at the beautiful me. I saw a beauty I never thought I had. My skin was softer than a baby's bottom. My hair was smooth, soft, like a crown over my head. My face
was clear, dignified and happy. My lips will full, my eyes stood out and my figure looked perfect. All my clothes fitted perfectly. I used to buy them to hide my flaws but now they privileged and complemented my figure. I would look at the mirror every 10 minutes when I was at home. I would rush back from work to look at it. I would sit at work wondering what the mirror has to say about the way I look that moment.
My mirror turned into a violent passion, an obsession, a dangerous addiction. I'd miss it like crazy. I didn't want it anymore; I needed it. It gave me an ego boost on demand; it gave me self confidence and security. It was so hard parting from my mirror. I would spend all the weekend in front of it and cry when I had to go to work and leave my mirror behind. But like all other magical mirrors, this too had an expiry date. Eventually, it's magical powers started to wear off and near the end of the year, it made me look like a freak…a monster…a disfigured creature. Exactly one year after I bought the mirror, the glass turned to dust and flew away and all that remained was the big wooden frame.
I couldn't believe myself at first, why? Why did this have to happen? But I guess it was my fault, my happiness made me forget that everything has an end….In a movie they said: "this too shall pass"…I guess they meant for the good things as well as the bad. I cried a lot when my magic mirror turned to dust and at first I went back to being the mirror-free, messy looking girl that I used to. I went back to no confidence and no self esteem, left the sense of security behind thinking perhaps they were not true. But later, I realized that one can't undo what has been done. I did live a year with my mirror. It gave me a lot and took from me a lot. I should use the confidence gained by having this mirror to invest in my future. I decided that maybe my mirror turned to dust but my year with the mirror must never turn to dust.
And she was right….that mirror changed her life forever. From that day, she became an artist, she did sculptures and 3D installments; they all had mirrors in them….mirrors, wooden frames and memories. In her frame, she added pictures of her achievements in life, of her memories and loved ones. In all the pictures she had a beautiful smile, but she was not a beautiful person. She looked different in every picture and set a new trend in fashion, hairstyles and colors. One thing in common though….she had enough self confidence to fill the whole universe. I guess there was a reason why the wooden frame didn't turn to dust…. It was a
message for her from up above to let go of the pain but use the memories gained. I guess that, maybe, she is now sitting in front of her magical mirror in heaven.
(October 31, 2004)
I went to grandma's house this morning to move some things there I saw the huge wooden frame and suddenly I was back to my six-year old self, curious to see what she was hiding there. As I moved
closer, the first thing I saw was a piece of paper in her own handwriting, I'd like to share it with you……
I had an important wedding to go to a couple of years ago. I usually hated weddings…I always looked like an ugly duckling who doesn't belong. I went shopping a few days before, got the outfit, the shoes, the handbag, new makeup, and a full length mirror in a wooden frame. Yes, a mirror. I've had a number of full length mirrors before but they all eventually got broken and for months I refused to use them. I'd borrow small mirrors off my friends or just ignore how I look for lack of care. But that day, I saw the mirror, I wasn't looking for one…I was clothes shopping but when I saw it in that store I knew I must have it. You know, it was one of those things that you can't afford but can't afford not to have. One of the chances that you know if you miss you'll regret for the rest of your life.
The mirror wasn't typically my style. It had a wooden frame, I usually preferred metal ones. It was huge and I couldn't think of a place that would fit the whole thing. So why buy it? It was just gorgeous. I'd just look at it and see myself more beautiful than ever. It was a pure magic… a spell that seduced me. I took the
mirror home; put on my wedding outfit….and my God did I look stunning. And sure as hell it wasn't the dress.
A week later, I moved it inside my room, I couldn't resist it's beauty or my beauty in it's eyes. The spell grew
stronger by the second. I loved looking at the beautiful me. I saw a beauty I never thought I had. My skin was softer than a baby's bottom. My hair was smooth, soft, like a crown over my head. My face
was clear, dignified and happy. My lips will full, my eyes stood out and my figure looked perfect. All my clothes fitted perfectly. I used to buy them to hide my flaws but now they privileged and complemented my figure. I would look at the mirror every 10 minutes when I was at home. I would rush back from work to look at it. I would sit at work wondering what the mirror has to say about the way I look that moment.
My mirror turned into a violent passion, an obsession, a dangerous addiction. I'd miss it like crazy. I didn't want it anymore; I needed it. It gave me an ego boost on demand; it gave me self confidence and security. It was so hard parting from my mirror. I would spend all the weekend in front of it and cry when I had to go to work and leave my mirror behind. But like all other magical mirrors, this too had an expiry date. Eventually, it's magical powers started to wear off and near the end of the year, it made me look like a freak…a monster…a disfigured creature. Exactly one year after I bought the mirror, the glass turned to dust and flew away and all that remained was the big wooden frame.
I couldn't believe myself at first, why? Why did this have to happen? But I guess it was my fault, my happiness made me forget that everything has an end….In a movie they said: "this too shall pass"…I guess they meant for the good things as well as the bad. I cried a lot when my magic mirror turned to dust and at first I went back to being the mirror-free, messy looking girl that I used to. I went back to no confidence and no self esteem, left the sense of security behind thinking perhaps they were not true. But later, I realized that one can't undo what has been done. I did live a year with my mirror. It gave me a lot and took from me a lot. I should use the confidence gained by having this mirror to invest in my future. I decided that maybe my mirror turned to dust but my year with the mirror must never turn to dust.
And she was right….that mirror changed her life forever. From that day, she became an artist, she did sculptures and 3D installments; they all had mirrors in them….mirrors, wooden frames and memories. In her frame, she added pictures of her achievements in life, of her memories and loved ones. In all the pictures she had a beautiful smile, but she was not a beautiful person. She looked different in every picture and set a new trend in fashion, hairstyles and colors. One thing in common though….she had enough self confidence to fill the whole universe. I guess there was a reason why the wooden frame didn't turn to dust…. It was a
message for her from up above to let go of the pain but use the memories gained. I guess that, maybe, she is now sitting in front of her magical mirror in heaven.
(October 31, 2004)
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