As a control freak, as a fighter, as someone who thinks I will always find I way if I try hard enough, it's incredible for me to say it, but I give up. I really give up; I tried everything I could and there's nothing more I can think of to get out of this.
I spent the last 2 hours crying, yes, me crying; real tears, a first since 2007. And contrary to what I thought, no it doesn't feel better, I still feel equally like shit.
On one hand, my brain refuses to acknowledge the "it's really over" fact. I never felt this way about anyone before and no mental connection ever felt so right. So if it was that right, then he must also be feeling the same way, afterall it had been him who said "a story going too right". And if he feels the same, then it's not the end, it's just a shitty temporary phase that will end with a happy ending.
On the other, he knows I'm here. He knows I adore him. And he's not doing anything about it. God only knows if he had met/fallen in love with someone else younger, prettier and easier to deal with. And I won't blame him. If I had a choice, I wouldn't choose me either; but there had been times when I made him happy, or at least, so I thought.
I really don't know where to go from here. 10 months of no contact; I did every trick in the book; cut your hair, change the color, work out, work, study, travel, date, eye candy guys, brain stimulation guys, hate someone, work harder, and harder, and harder. But I give up! Nothing works. He's like a heart beat, you know it's there, you ignore it to move on, but when it hurts, you can't physically remove your heart, can you?
Today, I've been torn between two stupid thoughts, blocking him out of my life , delete the emails, phone number, unfriend him and anyone who reminds me of/ is connected to him, who needs drama sort of thing. But then how can I guarantee life plays nice and doesn't drop him from the sky in my face physically. It has happened once, and the world is tiny, it will happen again. I'll just make myself look like a pathetic idiot.
Or , the complete opposite, give him a call. Although I can't think of something now, I'm sure given some thought I can make up a very convincing excuse of why to call. Or even pull a Lionel Richie style "I just called to say I love you" stunt. But then what, it's not like I'm getting closure. There is no closure, if there was, then I have had my closure last jan with the epic "so long and thanks for all the fish". So what am I going for with my master plan, given I found the courage and the excuse? A virtual slap on the face, with a cold reply like "is there anything I can help you with?" , which has happened before, or even worse, silence, the signature mark; both of which will make look and feel like the world's biggest pathetic idiot.
So... What next? I have no fucking idea. I really don't know. I'll probably spend the rest of the night staring at the ceiling and crying my eyes out till I fall asleep but what happens tomorrow ? I have no clue. I'll pray for a solution, a miracle cure or a magic formula.
Good night readers. Pray for me
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