Thoughts in retrospect

The following thoughts have been in my draft for quite sometime..

• Fear of commitment = fear of commitment... Special Dedication to K in Toronto!

• The decision making process is quite and exhausting process, especially when you think about major things in life. I usually tend to drift with the flow, rather than having to stop and think about things.. mind you.. I usually know what I want the first instant that the situation is explained to me. However, at two points in my life, I had to stop and think about which choice to take...first incident was when I had to chose a major at university (I'm not sure I took the right decision, but right now, I can't see my life heading any other way) and the second incident was a couple of weeks back when I had to think about whether to fight or to let go. I decided to let go... that takes us to the next point.

• There is a major difference , in my opinion, between giving up and letting go. Giving up, is when you run out of resources and ideas and know that whatever you do won't help, and so decide to give up, throw whatever behind you and admit defeat. Letting go, on the other hand, is when you know you still have ideas and plans, and that you are capable of fighting and going on but willingly decide to put whatever on another track and go on without a fight. For me, the later is quite hard, cause as a friend once said , I have a fighter spirit. But here I am, letting go!

• Back to the decisions. Do you actually think that any decisions we make will affect our life? I mean, sure big decisions like a major in university or what job one will do or which partner one chooses to spend their life with.. but little decisions , the ones that seem so insignificant that you don't bother considering for more than a second. For example, does it make a difference which restaurant would we go to tonight? What should I wear to this restaurant? Which should I order; the steak or the pasta? And whether I should pay by cash or credit card? I think maybe all the major milestones that we reached in our life are just a sequence of bad decisions that we took without thinking. I know a guy who blew up a perfect relationship because 6 weeks earlier , he didn't spend enough time thinking whether he should drive to Ain Sokhna in his flip flops or slippers. Advice to the readers, don't drive to Ain Sokhna in your flip flops!

• Check out the following chorus from the song Secret Smile by Semionics:

Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me

The thing is.. This sounds pretty valid for people who have been in only one relationship. But for people who have been in several relationships: if it's the same smile, then the singer is a lier or is in denial. If they are different smile, then how many smiles can one uniquely offer per partner? If they are variations of the same smile, then do you think one can try hard to give a particular person, a smile more unique than to people before that partner? I dont know.. any ideas?

• I had this weird theory that "if you can imagine it, it won't come true". For example, a guy is not on good terms with his wife but all he can think about on his flight home from a business trip is that she'll surprise him by waiting for him in the airport, in that red dress he loves, with flowers, and then of course, she would look more stunning than ever and once she sees him, she'll say she's sorry and that she loves him and they'll go home and everything will be okay... Amazing scenario, right? Now, since he thought of it.. since he actually imagined it that vividly in that much details.. it wont happen. You can build on that example. Of course, that only happens with good thoughts, with bad thoughts, Murphy's law applies...if you think you will fall off a ladder and break your neck, you will fall off a ladder and break your neck!

• Sad enough, it turns that many people believe in this theory, including my 15 year old sister who I feel is too young to see the world from this dark perspective. Since I now know at least 15 people who believe in this weird theory.. I think it becomes more like a fact. Which leaves me worried really. Cause you see.. I think I have a very creative mind (you may argue with that as much as you like..but I still believe so), which means that I can think of several nice happily-ever-after scenarios for each event. And since I can think them, they wont happen. So do you actually think, anyone can ever come up with a scenario to surprise me a pleasent surprise? doubt it.. but hope someone can out-creative-think me ,one day!

• I leave you with a story, a sad story naturally but it's my way of letting go..

There was this little girl who met a big bear, at first she was afraid of the bear, she didn't want to play with the bear because the bear was bigger than she was, and she didn't want him to crush her with his big paws. The bear however , was a really nice one, he kept feeding her of the luxury honey pots he had, explaining to her about life, the forest and all the animals and trees. She actually grew to like the bear and for some time , they were inseparable. But one day, out of the blues, the bear decided that he doesn't want to play with little girls anymore, he said that little girls are very different and can not play together. The girl tried to explain, that they were different from the beginning, and that it was okay to be different and play together but he wouldn't hear of it no more and he disappeared in the forest. The girl kept thinking whether she should go look for the bear and talk some reason into him or whether she should just accept that. It took her a very long time.. but at the end she decided she will think of it that the bear is better off where he decided to be.. in a larger forest, with lots of sunshine , greener grass, bluer skies, and bears, like himself to play with. Having imagined the smile on the bear's face.. she let him go, wishing him all the best in the life he chooses!