Fear

Usually, I don't get scared alot. I don't know why; perhaps faith, or perhaps, not caring! i don't know. But there was a point two and half years ago, when I have experienced great fear. Fear beyond description, fear that reached the point of me being scared to wake up to face life. Actually, it was a combination of fear ,depression and not knowing what to do about it. I remember staying in bed in that tiny excuse for a room of mine in London and feeling too scared to even think about the next day. I couldnt study, though my dissertation was due, I couldnt meet my friends, call my family or even go walk in the park like I did some afternoons. Aside from the cause of the problem, it was then when I faced fear and depression because I lost faith that things could ever get better.

Around that time, I read/heard somewhere (though I can't verify that till now), a story about Ernest Hemingway's suicide. Apparently, Hemingway was going through a severe phase of depression, and wanted to take his own life. But with depression, people loose the energy or will to take any actions; including killing themselves. However, he was admitted to a mental hospital for a while, and treated with anti depressants. This kind of drugs apparently gives the person a false sense of energy. So as soon as Hemingway felt that energy, he used it to kill himself. Ironic, right?!

Well, until that time 2.5 years ago, I never ever felt suicidal. But then, I felt it. I was walking down the cold streets of London feeling sorry for myself and thinking about my fear. I got so preoccupied with my fear that I didnt take notice that I was walking in the middle of the street. I only realized it, when I felt an awkward warmth on my skin. I realized that I was almost being hit by a car, and that it's front lights have actually touched my hand. I remember thinking, oh, dying in a car accident isnt that bad... it's warm, as compared to the streets of London. And for a couple of hours following that incident, I refused to go home, I sat somewhere (dont remember where exactly) and kept on thinking of death, dying , accidents, and many other sick thoughts; until it occurred to me, the loneliness in the grave.

It was then, when I realized, I have reached the bottom-most-point in the ups and downs of my life and decided to do something about it. I reached out for friends and family, went to the Friday prayers, studied at the universities' library instead of my lonely room...etc. And I promised myself not to reach that point ever again.It took a lot of hard work and alot of time to move my life back up. Lots of support from lots of people, patience from my family, attention from special people and a large leap of faith on my behalf. My life moved up thank God and kept going up from there. Of course there were downs, but with the positive attitude and faith, I always, with help, got it back up!

Now, a few days ago, I have made a shocking realization as I told you before. And I am actually scared of what I figured out. Dont worry.. I'm no where near the point I talked about before. But I'm not depressed or suicidal (though jumping out of the Gym window is appealing to me sometimes) I think what is helping this time over the last, is of course experience. I know that "this too shall pass" like everything else does. I have way more faith than before.. I believe that something GOOD will happen, eventually. But for now, I'm just, overwhelmed, anxious, perplexed and confused, waiting for something to happen somehow magically so that time moves on a bit quicker than now.

So,on a note of hope and optimism, I'm crossing my finger and waiting for my time speeding miracle!