I just wanted to let you know I'm doing great. I mean, at the end,despite the bumpy ride and the multiple attempts to spoil it, February wasn't that bad after-all. I'll detail more on that tomorrow, but now I'll sleep.
"snooze" كل يوم يبدأ المنبه يرن الساعة سابعة و نصف. ثم تبدأ قصة الصبح المعهودة .ابص للسقف شوية و بعدين أدووس مرة و اثنين و ثلاثة. احيانا اقعد على الحال ده ساعة او اكثر. كل مرة بيكون في حجة جديدة ؛ مرة اقول الجو بارد , خليني تحت الغطاء شوية , و مرة أقول أنا معنديش اجتماعات مهمة , ممكن اروح الشغل متأخر , و كتير فى الحقيقة أقوم من السرير , افتح الدولاب و ارجع ثانى السرير افكر ممكن البس ايه انهار ده
المهم انني اضيع ما لا يقل عن ساعة و بعدها استجمع قواتي كلها و اقوم من السرير , و بعدين اخد الدش التمام و البس و اضرب "حبوب الشجاعة" و بعدين ابص لنفسي في المرايا و اقول "اجمد يا وحش !"و اتكل على الله و انزل
المهم , يمر الوقت و انا عملة فيها وحش و سبعة في بعض ولا بتهز ولا حاجة في الدنيا تهمنى .
انا شجيع السيما
ابو شنب بريمة ,
اصرج و اقول عالي هوب و اصرخلي صرخة
السبع يتكهرب و يبقي فرخة
و يعدي الصبح و الظهر و اجي على العصرية كدة و يكون لازم جرعة تانية من حبوب الشجاعة و إلا انا التي هاتكهرب و ابقى فرخة
اخد الجرعة التانية و ابص لنفسي في المراية و اقول "هانت يا جميل , فات الكتير وما باقي الا القليل
المهم , النص الثانى من اليوم بيعدي ببطئ شديد
و تحصل فيه مشاكل كتير و أكون تقريبا فقدت القدرة على المناهدة و الخناق
و كأن كل الاقدار بتتواطئ ضدي
كأن في حد بيراقبني و حالف مئة يمين لازم ينكد عليا
بأقول عادي , هانت
تيجي المرحلة بتاة المرواح , اركب العربية و اتزنق في الزحمة و طول ما أنا قاعدة أسب و ألعن في اليوم و في العيشة و اللي عايشنها
و ألاقى نفسي مش قادرة اكمل , مخي عمال يودي و يجيب في كل المشاكل الي بتواجهني ,خلاص هاعيط و حقيقي كش قادرة
, اضرب كمان جرعة من حبوب الشجاعة و ابص لخيالي على قزاز العربية, و اقول لنفسى , يا زيو يا جميلة , معقولة كده نروح لماما دمعتنا على خدننا. نستحمل شويا , كلها كام ساعة و نقابل الحبيب الغالي
اوصل البيت , و عادة مش بلاقي حد و اكيد دي الفرصة الذهبية علشان الواحد ينكد على نفسه . فيه طريقين, أما استسلم لضغط القدر و نقلبها نكد و احساس بالوحدة و الفشل و عياط و كده , أو الواحد يأخذ كمان جرعة حبوب شجاعة و يعمل حاجة مفيدة , حتى لو كانت مجرد مشاهدة فيلم او مكلمة تليفون
بغض النظر اخترت انه من الطريقين دول, برده الطاقة بتخلص , و الاحساس بالفراغ بيزيد , الواحد بيشتاق لحبيبه
ابصيله من بعيد بدلال , يرد عليا بحنية
افتكر حضنه , يوحشني اكثر
اقول خلاص , قطيعة , و انا بعذب نفسي ليه
ارمي نفسي في حضنه و اتغطي كويس ..انا بحبه و هو بيحبني, الناس عايزة ايه , و بعدين محدش بيموت من كتر النوم يعني
و اقعد يجي ساعة في حضنه بفكر في يومي , يوم ممل زي كل يوم , و اتأمل, يا نهار اسود لو كانت بقيت الايام تبقى كده
و قبل ما ابدأ في المخاوف و الهلاوس , اقوم بسرعة اضرب اخرة جرعة من حبوب السجاعة , و ابص في المرايا و اقول
هانخاف من النوم كمان يا ياسمين , نامي بس و اتكلي على الله , بكرة ان شاء الله يبقى احسن
So this quote is moving around facebook "Life in three words; it goes on"
It's not like I didn't know that. I always did. In fact, I've always depended on that fact; knowing that eventually life goes on, as in not wait for me, as in, time will pass keda keda regardless of me doing or not doing anything with it.
I think as much as that fact is comforting in itself, people like myself , control-freaks , find it hard to accept in some ways. Meaning, life will go on without my intervention, oh my God! What will it turn out like? What can I do about that? How can I make sure that it goes on in the direction I want? All these questions are basically answered negatively. That, as a control-freak, kills me!
I faced my demons last night, how much I need to let go of the illusion of control that I give myself. I've been holding on to the past so hard, refusing to give life a chance to go on. I thought I couldn't let go. This whole letting go issue is really difficult for me. Really. You know those trust games where you're supposed to close your eyes and let yourself fall, knowing that your partner will catch you? I'd never do it, never did, never will! I can't consciously let go. I'm trying though, which brings us to the point I was trying to say. After all the events that I have been through in the last year(OC, Almasry Alyoum, friendships, heartbreaks...etc), I've been torn between wanting to let go and wanting to hold on to the memories, I took some physical steps but didn't take any emotional ones. Then I realized, everyone else's life goes on, perhaps except mine, cause I'm not letting it. My friend's lives are going out according to their plan/preferences, my family are having their life according to their carefully calculated plan, prince charming has his life going in the direction he wants, God, even the enemy's life is getting better. It's only my life that's not, or at least doesn't seem to be. Maybe because I am holding on to the past since I don't have a plan for the future. Again I get side-tracked. The point is, I am trying to let go of the past, trying to give life a chance to go on, trying to be optimistic about the future and be the sunshine person I used to be. It wont be easy, my control-phobia and my nostaliga will come between me and letting go, but one thing for sure...
I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.
I miss you so much. It's not like I didn't expect it, but really, I can't get my life back straight since you're gone. First it was work, which I sorted out. Then came the loneliness , so I got in touch with friends. Then it was the energy so I gave myself some time to recharge. then there was ... and there was and there was... For every problem isolated, there is a solution. But for the emptiness you left inside me, there is none. Nothing will bring you back!
It was Valentine's day last Sunday and it brought me down big time. I tired to compare this Valentine's to last years. The only difference was that I had you! I was trying so hard to remember what was last Valentine's like. It's not like I went out to celebrate bring single, nor had a wonderful romantic date with prince charming. I remembered there was something, but I couldn't remember what it was. And then it came to me last night. Last Valentine's I was busy working. We had a deadline, you and I, and I worked till late. We met a the cafe in front of the office for lunch then we worked till late, you, me and my team. Yes , it was a weekend, and yes I was working, but it was way better than this year where I ditched work and stayed at home to chill.
God, I miss you!
The days we spent in the office joking around, the kalam fel sa2f, even the sounds of people and car horns in the street. When will I get over you? Will I ever? Every time I pass near the office my heart throbs like it's going to jump out of my chest. Every single time I remember one of our old memories, i feel this sweet poison running through my veins. And I try not to forget. I had you, at least for a while. I had you, and that's a truth no one can take away from me. I had you!
Anyway, rest in peace Mostafa
You will always be remembered and cherished!
Oh, for the readers who have no idea who Mostafa is, check this link or the one above.
I'd like to think I'm not a high-tempered neurotic person nor am I a calm and quiet one either. Pretty much a normal girl who tries hard to keep my emotional outbursts to the minimum in public.
I don't know how long has this been happening, but it's a recent thing, probably a couple of months or so. It's like because so many feelings and emotions are kept inside, I sort of get those emotional bursts. If it were a movie, you'd see my hair big and messy, dark makeup melting off my eyes, shouting , insulting and cursing. Yelling at the top of my lungs like a crazy person. Then in a few seconds, I push some of it out and go back to calmness. In the movie version, I straighten my hair, wash my face, put on some lip gloss and smile my way back into whatever I was doing.
It's odd. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen! Only for a few seconds like I said. And thank God, only inside my head. Sometimes , I really wish I can just tell it to the face of the people who deserve it. But really, the responsibility of this actions is not the kind that I can deal with.
Like I always say, I hate to be the person who shares the sad news but fails to update you when something pleasant happens. I got some amazing feedback on this post. Not only that, but I was faced with another situation worth sharing.
A friend calls me to invite me to dinner at her house and actually asked , "Yasmine, we would be serving some wine, would you mind?". And I thought nobody asks any more, but she's a darling anyway; one of the most understanding and accepting people I met. I was put in the cross road again, say no and I'll sit there blaming myself, say yes and they'll be thinking I judge them or their lifestyle. And boy was I wrong.
I thought about it a little then got back to her, apologizing for that evening while trying to explain that it was about my rules and restrictions versus their lifestyle which I understand and respect. She was not only accepting, but understanding . We discussed different restrictions people have and how they tolerate others doing them in their presence. Like , my friend herself is a vegetarian, but she's ok with people eating animal products in her presence. I know two Hindu's, one is ok with Beef when she's around and the other has a clear "no beef in my presence". I'm fine with both and they're fine with the "no alcohol when i'm around" too.
The conversation went through several topics then we hung up agreeing that I won't attend this dinner to leave other invitee's at ease and not to bother anyone, while scheduling another less public dinner where that glass of wine can be skipped without annoying anyone.
The point being, some people do care to ask. Some *might* prefer my company to alcohol. Some may go as far as understanding. It's just about choosing the right people to hang out with, that's all!
Ok, so most of you don't know this about me, but it has been about 5-6 years when I made my decision not to hang out with people while consuming alcohol. I don't have any objections to people consuming alcohol on their own, nor would it change my impression/liking of them. Just not while I'm around, for religious reasons.
Last night, in a social event with some friends and their friends, people started drinking. Not drunk, just drinking. The thing is, in the past, when people were around a muhajaba, they'd ask if anyone minded but apparently, not anymore. So anyway, two people ordered drinks. And I , for some odd reason, couldn't say anything. Maybe it was because it was a birthday and I didn't want to make a scene (which in this case , I should have just excused myself and left). I really don't know why, I just didn't. I sat there, blaming myself and did nothing.
I thought about God alot, how I felt bad regarding it. But I also thought about my friends who actually have to bear with me while I tell them "for my sake, don't!" Why do they? How would they feel about me being their , bearing with strangers while they drink while my close friends don't get to!
I talked to my best friend, and she gave me the "umm, I understand" smile but no feedback. But knowing that friend I shouldn't have expected any. What should I expect anyways, she doesn't have this restriction herself!?
I called another close friend and told him about it on my way home, and he said that I should have seen it coming, as" your lifestyle choices conflict with your personality, so you'll always be in internal struggle". That made me feel really bad to be honest. I expected a supportive "it's ok" or "you do what you can" or some other word of encouragement, which is usual from that friend and I get the " doomed to internal struggle" because I have conflicting feelings between being open-minded and understanding/accepting while being religious! And actually, which should I change, the choices or the personality.
I thought of calling my most religious friend, I needed something (don't know what it is, but I wasn't getting it). But she wouldn't understand. She would blame my choices too. She would say she never faces this kind of problem because she only hangs out with people who are similar to her.
I couldn't sleep all night thinking about it.
-Being accepting/understanding of others
-Choice of friends who are different than what I am
Which of these are my choices and which are my personality? Should I change any or leave them all as is while suffering my doom to internal struggle?
Anyway, since I can't think of anyone I know to give me the kind of support I need, I'll talk to you void of the internet, maybe someone out there understands and has something smart and intelligent to say about it!