A piece of my mind

How is one supposed to feel, when a very desirable gentleman, in the name of science, shares his "semi professional" opinion and says that I am beautiful, after a clear warning, that nothing in the conversation should be interpreted as flirtation? This would only happen to me, right?

Of course I know he's in love. I am no fool. The question here isn't the poetry he recites, the question is to whom! I , for one, am sure it's not me. He doesn't know me that well to love me. But who? We may never know

Am I giving up? You be the judge... I am happy being there for everyone to depend on. I love my work, I love being able to make a difference. I love the people around me; friends, family, coworkers...etc But I just need space. I feel exhausted and I need a break. I need a one way ticket away from this life, from emotional abuse, from responsibility, from the burdens. I need a fresh start somewhere new, with someone new, a clean page, a simpler life, at least until I can stand on my own two feet again. I need to know that the limitations of life could be left behind and new possibilities can happen. I need a break; a serious long break. And if that is giving up, then fine. I am giving up on this life and looking for a new one. The end

Dear friend I'll tell you now what I told you in 1998 (apparently I was much wiser then than I am now). If you keep waiting, she'll never be yours. You wait till "you're more stable", " you're sure she's the right person", "the time is right", "she's over the other guy", or even "you feel she's ready for something new". You know what, that will never happen. It's now or never, like it was then, when you didn't listen then you cried your heart out. One day, while you're busy waiting, she'll meet that guy, who may or may not be Prince Charming, and he won't be waiting, he'll sweep her off her feet, and you'll come back crying again!

About a week ago, a little after I published  this post, I had a conversation with someone I respect, a gentleman, a father and a mentor who has been around long enough, and traveled the world far enough, that when he judges, I don't feel like "what the hell does he know", which I do with most people.  I can' quite remember what brought this in a normal work related conversation, but he looked at me and said, "Egyptian men are the worst, they are the most dependent and least reliable compared to all other men. Most of them are Mama's boys. " I said I didn't really face the mama's-boy situation, I only wish they'd make up their mind about what they want pre-attempting it. And he said, " That's exactly it, they're used to Mama making the decision for them "

courtesy of Emily McDowell Saw this today and though of you. That's who you made me , and I hate it! I used to be nice, warm, genuine with my heart on my sleeve but hey, look at me now; a weirdo with a shattered heart, and hell of a lot of insecurities. And although it is 60% my fault, I don't forgive your 40%. And although I'm thinking about you while writing this, I am no longer preoccupied by you. It's taking time, but you're vanishing. "So long for all the fish", alright!

Prelude: my friend called me screaming her head off. She's been waiting for this guy to say "something" for almost 6 months, now. We go through his words, actions and reactions, he's obviously interested. He just won't get to it! So one thing that pisses me off from Arab men is their limitless ability to go around in circles. An Arab man would tiptoe and make up excuses to call/chat/email..etc, but just won't talk about "it". Seriously, what do you have to loose? A rejection? Well, get over it. I'd say, bring it out in the open, let's talk about "it", evaluate the possibilities and act accordingly. Why is it so easy in the west? I was in London for 1 year, I get asked out on dates more than the prior 6 years (eligible for dating) in Egypt. Someone in the Tube would go "So is it a good book as they claim?" after saying yes or no, "How about we go for a drink and talk about it?". At Uni,  a guy said "I not...

I've been accused of a number of things, the latest of which is being on the road to greatness. And yes, I do look at it as an accusation. Why, you may ask! Well because it's yet another expectation of some high standard I need to measure up to. Everyone seems to have a certain expectation of me and most of the time, I just feel like hiding under the bed and crying, because, although I feel it's quite obviously, I seem to be the only one who knows that I really can't do it! Don't accuse me of strength, success, greatness or acheivement. I'm just a silly girl who , unaware of the consequences, started a company, got some media attention and is now struggling to keep it alive! Zei, u'r the one keeping it alive, you know!

A friend of mine posted this a few days ago, and just reading it made me cry. I knew exactly how she felt, because honestly, that's how I felt a big chunk of the time. It's the curse of being who I am/ she is, the so-called "strong independent woman", the do-er not talker, the impatient versus those who wait. My dear friend, I feel you! And despite the fact that I know, this is a cry for help for someone special, I'm there if you need me.

Something looks good. But being the paranoid person that I am, I am skeptical, doubtful and scared. At the end of the day I remind myself, it's not really up to me.

You left a huge void. It's not really empty because in reality, you never really filled it. (I guess it was your shadow that filled it, not really you, but regardless...) Now you're not there, and this void grows, yearning for something, to fill it; something exciting, an idea perhaps, or someone, an idea of someone? I don't know. Yet, I won't let myself fall prey for people wanting to fill that void. As vulnerable as I am, I won't fall for the attention or the sweet words. As hurt as I am, I won't let someone else try to heal what you broke. I will not heal. I will be bitter, because bitter is the only cure for the void that you left.

I realized , in a moment of brutal truth, that, "I don't know what to do" was because, there was nothing left for me to do. With this paradigm shift, I knew it was all in the hands of God, I let go. And then I started to see a tiny light at the end of the tunnel, which I know I must continue letting go to realize. The mind keeps playing those games, trying to trick into memories, but hey, we must let go. I will let go