A piece of my mind

Mark Darcy told Bridget Jones ' No, I like you very much. Just as you are.' That's when her friends asked: ' Just as you are? Not thinner? Not cleverer? Not with slightly bigger breasts and a slightly smaller nose? ' In my humble opinion, there are 3 types of people, when it comes to feeling one's life is full; suns, planets and moons. Moon-people need planets as a center in their life to revolve around; when there no planets, they feel empty and worthless. They put their whole life on hold until they find a new planet to shower with love and attention. Planet-people are slightly better, yes they need sun people to revolve around, yet have their own interests and are capable of having a life of their own. They show their love, respect and admiration to sun-people but also admit responsibility towards moons. Sun-people not only don't need other people to feel complete but also have the capability to spread love, happiness and sunshine to those who ca...

I have no idea how many hours it has been, I've lost count. But I feel a huge void within my soul. A space for something that should've been there but isn't. I got used to this suffocating feeling so quickly that it feels like the white noise you hear on the radio when you sleep and forget to turn it off. Although a constant pain, it's subtle enough not to allow you to complain. You know, it's like having a cold, you're not sick enough to take the day off but you're not well enough either to have a normal life. But that isn't the problem really. The problem is the scary feeling of calm and quiet that I have although I was emotionally prepared for a raging storm. Could this be acceptance of the status quo? So quickly? Or am I back to the hopeful denial? Or is it both, if there is such a thing!? In a world of contradicting emotions of self love and loath, it is not unusual to be foolishly optimistic and pragmatically sensible and realistic at the same time...

She asked me: Don't you think that you're taking responsibility for things out of your hands? I said: If I don't, then I am just another victim. There is no way I'm going to accept that.

72 hours later Staring at an imaginary dot on the ceiling while drowning myself in work. I figured if I continue thinking, I'll torture myself to insanity, so I have to stop. To stop, I must work, work out and read fiction; not fiction that has happily ever afters, but rather fictions where things don't work out that well after all. That said, the imaginary dot on the ceiling is trying to tell me something that I can't understand.  And I'm trying not to reach out to my phone.

48 hours later I go thought the 5 stages of grief in 60-90 minute cycles: - Denial : it doesn't hurt... I've been through worse. Remembering all the worse things that I've been through to convince myself I'm doing great. - Anger : Life is just not fair! Why couldn't thing have been easier? Why couldn't I have been a simpler person who wants achievable things? Trying to understand, really! -  Bargaining : Maybe I should let go of my silly code of right and wrong and run to say sorry. But will it work? I honestly don't know why I don't. But, I don't. - Depression: I'm not ready to face life right now, I'll take a few days off, in bed, in the dark, alone. Staring at the ceiling hoping for a miracle. -Acceptance:  It was the right thing to do.  Not sure if I will believe this long enough anymore.

24 hours So that's what it feels like to quit smoking, isn't it? See I never smoked but I've always heard my friends complain. According to science, the nicotine withdrawal symptoms start like 2-3 hours after your last smoke and peak after 48- 60 hours later. It has been 24 hours and I'm already: struggling with craving, tense, anxious, finding it hard to concentrate, eating like a pig, and slowly sliding into depression. I've had headaches on and off for the last 18 hours, but I blame this on the vicious cycle : cry - sleep-wake up with a headache - stare mindlessly at the ceiling - cry some more. But again, headaches are also considered symptoms of nicotine withdrawal, no? And again like quitting smoking, I comfort myself by saying, "I did the right thing" and "I was stupid to be addicted in the first place, I knew what I was getting myself into", oh, and the famous "better hurt now than destroy you later". But truth be told, i...

I can not even begin to describe what it's like when the butterflies in your stomach turn into wild hornets...

Given last night's catastrophe, there is one of two options: either I learn to follow the rules , play games , use the tried and tested advice that my friends keep giving me and act like a girl. Or I keep my mouth shut, pull on a poker face and be a guy. But the way I always make a fool out of myself and the failure I've always been at handling delicate situations along the years have just been topped by a whole new level of foolish performance! I honestly can't believe myself, I don't know how I'm gonna look him straight in the eyes after what I said. That's even beyond a drunk call and what's worse, it's documented. And I used to keep telling myself "at least I'm honest to myself", I might as well learn to not see elephants in rooms if it will avoid these kinds of situations. I feel like  ... I don't actually know how to describe what I feel. I think people like me should be banned from talking, ever, with a court order. Or maybe get...