There , I said it. I even said the magic word.
I can't believe this is happening to me; I used to be such a change-seeker. The word "change" in itself used to excite me, so did "new beginnings", "starting over", "moving on",...etc. But now, I'm terrified of change, in the last year or so, all change has been bad bad bad. Anything that happened on its own has not been to my favor. I thought it was because, perhaps, I'm such a control freak, trying to make everything work according to what I have in mind and to my plans. But actually, even now, when I'm life play its course, without me interfering, change is still bad.
And coupled with the fear or rather phobia of change, comes my fear of loss. See, I could never deal well with loss; loss of loved one (death), loss of a loved thing (finished, stolen, ..etc), or loss of a relationship (breakups) and the greatest loss of all; loss of a memory (madness, amnesia ,..etc)
I'm fearing with so much change happening around me, I'm so scared of losing memories dear to me. At least places remind you of things. And people. But in the absence of people, the loss of places and the change of the familiar, what do you have left to hold on to?
Maybe I'm exaggerating, but I'm terrified. I've never been that scared in my life I have to admit. For some special things, all one has is the memories, and this is what makes us move on. What if I loose those too?
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