A piece of my mind

With a certain issue on my mind that can change completely the perspective i have of life, I semi-make a decision , that perhaps is against my preference, but for my own good. Then life keeps throwing all those random signs and anti-signs. A friend shared a quote " Create a definite plan for carrying out your desire and begin at once, whether you ready or not, to put this plan into action."by Napolean Hill. I know I'm not ready, can I take this advice while I know I won't be able to cope with the consequences of my action? I'm no longer sure if the universe is conspiring with me or against me. Further more, am I with or against my own self? I'm tired of the helplessness and vulnerability. I'm tired of feeling my hands are tied. I'm tired of being so afraid to wreck what took months to settle. I'm tired of my fear of what will happen next. God , please give me the strength to face my daemons and the peace to remain sane afterwards.

اجزاء من كل شئ تتطاير في دماغي: اشخاص , ذكريات ,اماكن , و حتى الروائح و المذاقات. كله يحدث في نفس الوقت : قليلا منه بإختياري ومعظمه من تلقاء نفسه . و كأن القدر يلوح بالعصا السحرية ليجعل الوقت , ذلك العدو اللدود, يتوقف و رغم عزة النفس, فيجب علي أن اعترف, أن بينما أنا دائمة الانشغال بالصراع مع الزمن لأخذ كل ما تستطيع الحياة أن تمنحني, فقدت قدرة التأمل الداخلي لمعرفة خبايا نفسي. بينما انا أبحث حولي عن كل ما يضيف معنى للحياة , انشغلت عن استكشاف مدى قدرتي على التكييف مع تلك الحياة . دائما كنت ابحث عن الجديد و المثير لأحارب الوقت و أقتل الملل. دائما في انتظار شئ ما . حاولت الاقدار كثيرا ان تجعلني أقف لأتأمل و لكن بلا جدوى , فقد كنت عالقة بالمستقبل متناسية الحاضر و منذ ما يقرب العامين , حدث أول تغيير , بدأت اركض وراء الحاضر غير مبالية بالمستقبل , و بناءا على ذلك, فلت مني زمام الامور و أصبحت الان هائمة بلا حاضر استطيع التحكم فيه و لا مستقبل انتظره بشوق. و وجد نفسي في حاضر لم أختاره بعد انقضاء ذلك الحلم الجميل الذي سلبته الحياة مني. في هذا الحاضر المخيف احاول , و انا المهوسة بالتحكم , ان ا...

There is this emptiness. And apparently , I'm not the only one feeling it; others feel it too, or at least have felt it. I've talked to some, heard the story of others, read (and reading ) books. It may just be a phase , but its challenging me mentally. I gave quite an introduction but still haven't mentioned what the hell I mean. That's really it.. I don't "exactly" know what I mean.. I know it has to do with: identity - partners/families or the lack of - travel/immigration - life's purpose..etc. I think , i'll be blogging about some of these thoughts and questions within the next few days, and comments are highly appreciated since it is a thought process not a finalized thought or idea

I have no idea how it does this to you, but Alexandria has this effect of evoking long lost and buried memories. None of those memories are related to Alexandria per se, I only went there for a single day as an adult and perhaps one or two other times when I was under 8. Although it was a very peaceful weekend, it just brought all sorts of sadness. The moment I reached Cairo, I cried for 3 hours continuous. Painful memories from years ago came back to haunt me without any apparent reason; memories of things that I hated, of people I hated, of people who I loved who did things I hated... The problem is, once the tears started, the heart becomes softer and there is no way to stop.

I'm just not a wedding person. Plain and simple. Not only did I always not like them, but also, it grows worse every wedding. Anyway, last Friday, I went to the wedding of a close friend of mine from school. And although non-customary, I really wanted to go, AND I thought I looked nice. I went to the wedding, met my school friends (who are mostly guys) and some other people I know. So, on the scale of feeling out of place(which i always feel in weddings), this was the least intensive. Yet somehow, I felt too tall, too big and by far too old! Oh, and need I mention how the skirts keep getting shorter! lol, each to their own. Anyway, I'm not complaining really. These are facts of life that I need to deal with; growing older, fatter, girls getting younger and prettier, skirts getting shorter...and so on. My point being, I have a resolution.. if I ever get married, I won't have a wedding. Just documenting my brilliant and amazing thoughts

Ain't it just typical; the moment you take a decision, the whole world conspires to make sure you don't follow through! You start a diet, then you get invited for tea and brownies. You start working out , then travel for the week. You plan and plan and usually fail! But you know what Murphy , not this time! I'm determined to make it through.. A little song for you friends who still manage to keep reading my randomness...

Remember this ? It's happening again. Stop! Stop it, really! Why do you? There's no need to do that. Seriously, you don't have to. How much more do you think you need to hurt me? I've had enough of those promises and it's not like you have to. Really, just stop. And you know, claiming you didn't ever make promises isn't helping. You make these promises with your whole being. You made silent promises. So please enough! Please stop! Feels better now that I let it out. Put my smile back on and go!

email مافيش facebook ولا رسائل على و طبعا الموبيل بطل يرن من زمان كان في مرحلة في حياتي الموبيل كان مؤدب و بيسمع الكلام , كنت بس ابصيله يرن على طول بس ده كان زمان دلوقتي ولا الهوا ممكن اقعد ابص للصبح و لا هيعبرني مش بس كده , دلوقتي لما حتى بطلب الارقام , من كتر ما الناس كلها مشغولة , بقيت الرسالة المسجلة بتقولي "هذا الرقم , بجد, مش عايز يرد عليكي . مفيش حد عايز يعبرك , قومي شوفي حاجة مفيدة تعمليها"

Sleep is the escape and the solution to most problems. Cheers!

Although it doesn't make any sense why so would like to read my venting and pouring out my pointless thoughts, but since some do, then they deserve an update. Family matters are working fine now, Karim (the bro) katab kitabo, Yousra (the sis) turned 18 and got her driver's license. Relationship with parents improving. We had a death in the family though which made me contemplate and think a a number of things. Guy turned out to be , just like the normal pattern of educated, well-read, well-traveled, and interesting people.... not appropriate for religious compatibility, so I aborted the pursuit, even on google. Naturally, there was a bit of disappointment, why is this pattern there? Guys who are interesting on the intellectual level have mostly abandoned believing in God. I almost thought it was not possible to ever meet my dream guy and started picturing myself as the old lonely woman in black who has 10 cats (, but then Meyo (the best friend), asked me a brilliant question. ...

As a follow up to my post wait and see I decided to approach life, one bulk at a time. To be honest, it wasn't a "decision", rather , life started to sort out parts of itself, if that makes any sense. Work started to take a different turn after we launch the website Tuesday night. Lots of attitudes have changed. I realized there were some people do appreciate one's work, some very interesting people to get to know and dare I say some potential friendships if one looks closely. Still have mixed feelings about the nature of the job though. I think this shall clear itself out eventually as well. A short post for a change Yalla salam

Besides loosing the ability to put my feelings and thoughts into writing, I realized that most of the time it's becoming easier for me not to talk stuff. I'd feel this huge load on my chest, keep thinking about it for hours, days and sometimes weeks, perhaps giving some main headlines to close friends, but not talk it off like I used to do in the past. I don't know if I lost the will to talk or just the talent to express. That is one of many changes that I am realizing about myself that make me very uncomfortable. I am actually forcing myself right now to do some writing-therapy. Get it out in the open, no matter how long or short this post becomes. I used to be a control freak; I can't say I liked it , but it was the way I knew how to handle things, the way my life went on. Now, I'm becoming so passive, always on the wait-and-see mood. And no, not the patience wait-and-see rather the passive, i-hope-things-work-out-without-me-needing-to-change-anything one. It'...

A note to myself and anyone who can use a piece of advice: Stop being kind and understanding. Kind and understanding are the reason you are a push-over!

Did you ever wish that someone in your life just disappears along with all the memories associated with them? Just like deleting a folder off their computer, doesn't the system ask you if you're sure you want to delete all the files inside it? That's exactly what I want to do. I can't hate that person enough, I should hate him more, I just don't have it in me to hate someone that much. It kills me to have a few remaining good/funny/emotional memories of him. And the feeling of injustice is overwhelming that it makes me act irrational sometimes. May you always suffer for messing up my peace of mind. May your heart ache for ruining my moment. May every memory we ever shared pain you as it pains me ,you made me hate the good times we shared. And yes.. that's not hate enough. He deserves more.

Warning: Angry post ahead.. read at your own risk. Yesterday, I had dinner with a few people from work. We went to this traditional kebab place in Agouza called El-Me3'arbel (food is really good by the way) but the evening was ruined for me. 3 of us entered slightly later than the rest of the group; we sat at the end of a long table. It was a crowded little place so all the tables where sort of crammed together in a small area. By now you'd say.. so what's new.. it's not like you haven't been to such a place before, why was the evening ruined. Well, from the moment we walked in , a young guy with his friend on the table on my left and a complete moron who was sitting alone on a table on my right decided that somehow I would be the entertainment of the evening. At first I tried the, yasmine-it's-just-in-your-head but then who was I kidding. Then I tried the ignore-it-and-it-will-go-away approach/ if you don't make eye contact they will get bored and stop it,...

The intro : A good friend told me, "Yasmine, there are no winners here. Just cut the chase, go down with your boots on and get it over with". And he was right (and I am soooooo grateful). I did go down to the bottom of the matter, but with a smile and high heals. The upside: 1- I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest 2- They feel happy and proud and flattered. It feels amazing to make a person you care about feel special, no? 3- We agreed to move beyond that point *somehow* 4- I was not a desperate (I hope) looser who sings zalmooh and cry themselves to sleep, I was me ; the fun, casual but caring me. 5- The conversation went smooth and fun; we even made jokes of it. No tension or pressure was built. 6- It was the right thing to do! The downside: 1- The conversation left lots of questions unanswered, for both parties. 2- Now I have to meet expectations of being "emotionally mature", so in other words, I lost my right to go girlie or emotional. 3- I'm...

Yesterday Nag introduced me to what google knows , which is pure fun. Reaching number 102, 103 and 104, I just found myself smiling, I do know these lines, I know they're definitely about poker (which I love by the way) but could not remember where I heard them in that order. Then today I remembered; I heard them in my dad's old records collection. See, my dad is a fan of Kenny Rogers and probably I heard this song so many times when I was younger that it just stuck to my head. Anyway... on youtube I found the muppet show version of "The Gambler" and I leave with these lines, not just about Poker, but about life.. You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, Know when to walk away and know when to run. You never count your money when you're sitting at the table. There'll be time enough for counting when the dealing is done.

I don't know how to start, I'm all lost and confused now. Last time we were together chilling by the Bosphorus; contemplating about life, the universe and everything. The next thing I know, she just took off, I woke up and she wasn't there. My spirit just left; without a note explaining how or why. I know I must have done something wrong, but really, I can't figure out why. We were happy, or at least I thought we were. She never said anything, how was I supposed to know something was wrong. I mean, yeah , we had our rough times, we've been through alot but recently , things seemed to be getting better. We were really happy those last few month, so what happened! As I was lost in my misery thinking how could I possibly have wronged it and how my life sucks without it, I heard the sad news from some friends. My spirit was found badly wounded between life and death on the side of the road. No one knows what happened or when, but now, it is recovering slowly; which isn...

(as requested by a new fan) Loneliness :: is when you look at the mirror and even your own reflection isn't there.

Exhaustion: is losing the motivation to impress even those who matter most.