"It's not healthy that you're acting so calm", a friend of mine tells me with genuine care and support.
"But I'm not acting", I say, "I really am calm"
She gives me the look that says hey-I-know-you-better-then-that
But seriously, I am calm. I'm not faking that...I mean I do fake some things , but one can't fake their state of mind, can they?
The thing is.. since that nasty Thursday... I've been feeling quite calm... not the peaceful kind of calm but the numb kind of calm... like I am in a bubble... nothing can make me sad.. nothing can shock me... and nothing can make me happy either. I fail to have fun.. but I can try to waste so many evenings being pleasant.
It's not that I don't talk about it or admit that it actually happened. I do admit, and I talk about it discreetly to some few close friends. But I keep getting feeling that one day , I wont be able to be "calm" anymore. And that day, I'll just fall apart spilling up everything to the first person who happens to be there at that moment. Kind of like spilling up your entire life history to the bar tender after you get too many drinks. The thought of it scares me honestly; I mean.. what if I talk to a semi-stranger? or a common friend who takes what I say the wrong way? or my boss? or an ex? Or worse, what if I end up picking the phone and dialing the number?
Well, I'll just hope I manage to keep myself together till that phase pass.
"But I'm not acting", I say, "I really am calm"
She gives me the look that says hey-I-know-you-better-then-that
But seriously, I am calm. I'm not faking that...I mean I do fake some things , but one can't fake their state of mind, can they?
The thing is.. since that nasty Thursday... I've been feeling quite calm... not the peaceful kind of calm but the numb kind of calm... like I am in a bubble... nothing can make me sad.. nothing can shock me... and nothing can make me happy either. I fail to have fun.. but I can try to waste so many evenings being pleasant.
It's not that I don't talk about it or admit that it actually happened. I do admit, and I talk about it discreetly to some few close friends. But I keep getting feeling that one day , I wont be able to be "calm" anymore. And that day, I'll just fall apart spilling up everything to the first person who happens to be there at that moment. Kind of like spilling up your entire life history to the bar tender after you get too many drinks. The thought of it scares me honestly; I mean.. what if I talk to a semi-stranger? or a common friend who takes what I say the wrong way? or my boss? or an ex? Or worse, what if I end up picking the phone and dialing the number?
Well, I'll just hope I manage to keep myself together till that phase pass.
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