A piece of my mind

We had the same conversation agin. I keep telling him he does not exist; he is imaginary, only in my head. He says he is the only thing that is real, and everything else doesn't matter. I tell him he has to leave, and he insists that I'm the one making him stay.  I tell him I'm too tired to argue,  how is it he only comes around when I'm most vulnerable. He says he comes when knows I need him. And like always, I end up asking him to stay, just tonight; to hold me until I sleep. And like always, he does. And like always, I miss him when he goes.

How do you tell a stranger, I love you The idea of you Everything about you The thought of you never leaves my mind Seeing you makes me smile ? How do you say all that without blushing like a 14 year old when you’ve already doubled that age? And how do you expect the stranger to react?

You said you were different. You kept saying you'll be my rock, always there for me when I need you. But on the first sign of emotions, you run and hide. Please remind me again how you think you're different! The way I see it, you're all interested in the hunt, just the hunt. Good thing I never let those walls down. I'm out

I came across this quote about a week ago, it touched me so deep, that I saved the image, and  kept re-reading it over and over again until I figured out why it resonated so much. Let's leave feminism on the side, that's not the point here. Let's just focus on strength. Strong women are just awesome! I'm not talking about successful career women, not presidents of nations.. I'm talking about female strength in general which comes in all forms, shapes and sizes. During my teens, I hated being girl. I felt it was unfair, I wanted the freedom, the lack of awkwardness, the open options and the respect. But I was strong enough to fight for what I wanted; and honestly, had the support of an incredible family who weren't intimidated by female strength. Back then of course, we called it guts not strength. In my twenties, I figured out that actually, it's not that bad being girl. People always expected less of me, so I had a chance to excel with very little...

Around this time last year, I wrote a few blog posts; - I was fascinated by the concept of the " femmes fatales ", little did I know that the twists and turns of time can turn me into one when I was not looking. I am not (or at least trying not to be) a manipulative bitch, but one has to admire the power women can have over men and how to exercise it. Evil? Don't think so. Powerful? You bet! - I also talked about a state of Limbo caused by a guy, or rather, the lack of a certain guy. Well, Limbo has doubled; lack of guy and presence of another guy, and And apparently, it's one of those things that time alone can't solve. Something has to happen. No idea what. But just sitting there waiting for time to pass didn't/doesn't work. And the kind of ideas that occur to me to do (and the actions based on the silly ideas) don't work either. - And on 2014 's resolutions; one has to say, not bad at all: 1- although we began the year with significant w...

I'm in that state when I don't know myself anymore. I used to be tense when in silent, but now I appreciate silence more than words most of the time. I used to understand how I feel about different things/people/plans/places but so far, I don't even have feelings towards most things. I am used to knowing, now the most common thing I say is "I don't know". And I'm used to being emotional, now I feel cold & distant, from everyone and anyone. I used to be kind, sensitive and selfless, now I look at myself and don't know who this selfish, abusive, exploiting, manipulative bitch is. And where did the nice one go? I'm very confused, I'm emotionally drained and I can't make up my mind. I'm stuck in a vacuum of thoughts and emotions looking at the ticking clock wondering when that state will end. It's new to me and I don't like it.

  المشكلة الحقيقية هي أن الرقيقة خدعتهم كلهم، هي الأقوى رغم انف من يجرأ ان يقول غير ذلك. رغم كل شئ تجرأ على التخيل والحلم والحب. رغم الجرح الذي لم يلتئم بعد. رغم محاربة الكل. في النهاية... الرقيقة دائما تنتصر

As a control freak, as a fighter, as someone who thinks I will always find I way if I try hard enough, it's incredible for me to say it, but I give up. I really give up; I tried everything I could and there's nothing more I can think of to get out of this. I spent the last 2 hours crying, yes, me crying; real tears, a first since 2007. And contrary to what I thought, no it doesn't feel better, I still feel equally like shit.  On one hand, my brain refuses to acknowledge the "it's really over" fact. I never felt this way about anyone before and no mental connection ever felt so right. So if it was that right, then he must also be feeling the same way, afterall it had been him who said "a story going too right". And if he feels the same, then it's not the end, it's just a shitty temporary phase that will end with a happy ending. On the other, he knows I'm here. He knows I adore him. And he's not doing anything about it. God ...

I miss you. It doesn't go away I hate you for getting that deep under my skin. God only knows the lengths I go through to get you out of me. The world isn't big enough for both of us, one of us has to die. I'm not suicidal. I'm not depressed. I'm just being pragmatic.

It's been ages since I fell in love with a movie. It's a musical, so if that's not your cup of tea, don't bother. The songs are just incredible. The cast is great; Mike Ruffalo, Kiera Knightley and guess who... Adam Levine from Maroon 5 ...wink wink (my wink is actually at Ruffalo but I'm humouring you). Oh , and the director is the same guy who direct "Once", another awesome musical movie. So anyway.. I leave you with my favorite song A Step You Can't Take Back by Keira Knightley (yes.. she sings) So you find yourself at the subway With your world in a bag by your side And all at once, it seemed like a good way You realise, it's the end of the line For what it's worth

I'd rob and I'd kill to keep him with me I'd do anything for that boy I'd give my last dime to hold him tonight I'd do anything for that boy -- Can't remember to forget you / Shakira

Note: If you haven't read yesterday's post , then you'll be a little disconnected but you can proceed anyway. So Ahmed, 35, sent a messaged me last night. His message was an ok icebreaker, except that it was written in poor English. It's not like I'm the queen of spelling or a grammar whiz, but when you use "gonna" without an "am" , and "not sure too" instead of "either", umm, you sort of turn me off instantly. So what does that make me? A picky bitch! Well, yes I am picky, but certainly I am not a bitch. Which reminds me, who was the idiot that came up with the theory that we decrease our high standards of beau-selection as we grow older? I heard that so many times, but I feel its a ridiculous concept. As we grow older, our standards get higher and higher. We've tried and failed so many times before that we're not ready to go through failure again. If he's not at least why settle? You know! Back to the main ...

On Fustany.com , Amira-the-brave, went through the effort of trying out "Tinder" for the rest of us. She registered a profile, checked out some people (and weirdo creatures), and even started talking with a guy or two. Nothing solid yet, it's just a experimental phase. That was a spark. See, I was already curious about it to the extent that I actually wanted to start a dating website at some point. Oh.. did I just say that out loud, well, that's probably my next startup. Anyway, I just never proceeded, not out of shyness, but sheer laziness. So today I did two things; I wrote a question on Facebook trying to understand the reactions and impressions people have of meeting someone online/through an app, and I created my Tinder profile. Tinder profile was confusing; which photos to use? what profile to write? I wanted pretty pics, not too crazy, but shows my "fun" side. I wanted a bio that tells a little about who I was without scaring people off because ...

Yes, love died, about a year ago. No body knows exactly when, but it was sometimes early September or late August. Can you imagine something as big as love dying and no one noticing? Well, people did notice, in a way or another, but rather they couldn't possibly imagine that love , could in fact, die! For some, it changed into other feelings; feelings that could have usually be confused with love - lust, possessiveness , compassion, familiarity, kindness, fear of loneliness or even instinctive protectiveness. But there are a few people who are still lost at see with the void that death of love left behind. They struggle to find meaning. They... Ah well,.. Here are some stories from these people: Scene 4 Greenwich Wednesday, September 4th, 2014 It wasn't very rainy that day, unlike the rest of the week, so Tom thought that today has to be the day. He stopped at Marks and Spenser's on the way to class to pick up some flowers and concealed them cleverly. The day w...

I posted this on Facebook, saving here for safekeeping. I'm obsessed with extinct animals lately. Not the animals themselves of course, I'm no zoologist, but the concept of going extinct and how it must feel. I don't think it happened by chance, I mean the animals must have known; wether they didn't catch Noah's ark or froze in an ice age, they must have known. I imagine the following scenario, (and please ignore my historical mistakes of who got extinct first, as I didn't bother do any studies): The mammoth rests in some cave with his Mrs, after a very long walk. He looked her in the eyes and said, "Sa3deya, I can't take it anymore. We've been moving for ages, continent after continent, looking for dry land. And don't you tell me we have to adapt and evolve. We've even learned to swim and we changed our diet multiples times according to the available vegetation. "Ya 7amdy, 7aram eli enta bet2oolo da" she said back, "A...

I think I read it's plot on Wikipedia a long time ago (a sad habit I have), but have always delayed watching it (mostly coincidence but sometimes consciously). I think I didn't want to watch a movie that confirms my fears. It hurts when it's confirmed movies, you see, cause they usually let you dream. So when they say it straight to your face, it really hurts. Tom fell in love with Summer, but for her, he was just a transition.   I hate Summer. I really do. Who does she think she is? She does things that hurt other people just because "she wanted to". She knew he was in love with her and she danced with him. Talk about giving wrong signals. And what really pissed me off, is her going to "his place". It's his place for God's sake, she knew she would bump into him there. Why is she being so selfish! Khalas, you don't want the guy, let him be. Give him space to get a life without you. Really pissed me off to be honest. That said, it's a grea...

A good life = financial independence + emotional independence I have neither

It's been a looooong time since I had this feeling of satisfaction (alhamdulilah). Today was full day stacked with one thing after the other, but as I sit in bed ready to sleep, I think, what a marvelous day! I wake up super-early, study for 3 hrs, and actually learnt a couple of new tricks. (Wish me luck, the exam is on the 30th) Work work work! Busy with meetings (good ones), proposals and reports (those mean clients, so also good). Finished work, with a mental block 40 mins before my personal training session ( oh yes, I didn't mention I'm working on getting the bikini body ), made a couple of calls to friends and family. An hour and half workout, which left my muscles in sweet pain! And I finally figured out what it was that I did wrong to make the crunches painful to my back. Then dinner: fine cheese, honey and toasted baladi bread. The best end of day mean I could think of. Facial mask, nail polish, eye cream 2 chapters of a witty-humor kinda novel Going off with an o...

I wasn't gonna blog. But I saw this being shared on Facebook and it just hit where it hurts. You didn’t love her. You just didn’t want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego. Or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn’t love her, because you don’t destroy the person that you love. Grey's Anatomy 

A good friend gave me a good reason (for the first time ever) why I shouldn't be so public about my feelings (mostly people in the past gave the lousiest reasons, really!). Now the trick is that I'm a very public person, and I really like sharing and getting feedback and so forth, so I'll substitute my "personal" and "emotional" blogging from fashion rants , foodie talk and possibly travel. Mostly light and fluffy lifestyle stuff. So, I'm giving it a trial. Starting now, till the end of August, I'm pausing private stuff. After August ends, I'll  see how I feel and proceed accordingly. Yalla, Salam ya helween